The video begins with her chopping up pieces of her ex-boyfriends.
Tim: This lady is Greek. The video begins with her chopping up pieces of her ex-boyfriends, because they lied to her. There is no way we are not taking a deeper look at this.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z0UYlZ6fM_8
Tom: That first note? My brain went straight to Katy Perry’s ‘I Kissed A Girl’, and then got very very confused. It remained in that state for the whole video. Alternating between blatantly sexualised dance routines and shots of raw meat? That’s just wrong, Tim. It’s just wrong.
Tim: Now I’m not sure why, but I really really want to like this. But I don’t. A minute and a half in I was surprised to find out the song wasn’t even half done yet, and when it kept going I just found it absolutely and entirely not registering in my head. It’s just a bit boring, really (lyrics aside, that is). The verses plod along line by line without even that much of a tune (despite an annoying amount of autotune), and the chorus is nowhere near as energetic as it should be.
Tom: I think she wants to be the Greek Lady Gaga. Ridiculous costumes, opaque sunglasses, wigs, electronic production and somewhat-disturbing videos? It’s a straight rip – only the music’s just not good enough to match.
Tim: Hopefully she’ll do some more that are better, though, as there does seem to be something here – just not in this song.
Tim: Yeah. And much like Underground, I was pretty much too engrossed in that than the song itself. Quite what still needing to dance has to do with going out hunting and investigating unusual weather phenomena is beyond me, but to be honest this is a bit annoying.
Tom: It’s a lovely bit of video, though, I’ll give it that much. But annoying?
Tim: The thing is, the music is good, but it seems to have been used just as a backing track for this video, rather than the other way round. You can’t really hear it much, and the fact that it keeps getting interrupted means you can’t even listen to it properly in the background.
Tom: Ah, now there’s a reason for that. Music videos are increasingly having interruptions or ‘extra bits’ added to them, to stop people ripping the audio from YouTube. They’re what they’ve always been – an advert for the track – but now they’re not the track itself.
Tim: I know that – it’s just, isn’t this a bit too far? One break I can cope with, but we have two stupidly long ones, the second of which finishes so close to the end that we can’t really be sure what the end of the track is actually like.
To sum up: good music, but can we actually hear it next time, please. And in a way that lets us know how the song finishes. Thank you.
Tom: Do you know what time it is, Tim? That’s right: it’s unnervingly racist Swedish Europop time!
Tom: This is textbook nineties bubblegum Europop. Bouncy sound-effect bassline, simple melodies, singalong chorus. It’s everything that we try to celebrate here: dancing like idiots to ridiculous, overproduced music. Or at least it would be, if it wasn’t performed by a Swedish guy in thick, questionably-racist makeup.
Tom: Okay, so it was the nineties. This was apparently just-about-OK then, even for Top of the Pops. (Yes, Top of the Pops. Try getting that through the BBC now. And yes, there is stereotypical mock-Indian mumbling in there.) Jonny Jakobsen probably couldn’t get away with releasing a whole of album of this now, although his other character, the faux-Scottish but similarly-accented “Dr. Macdoo”, might just be able to survive. Because ironic bagpipe techno is, of course, so popular.
Tim: Towards the end of the intro, I started thinking this was a bit like the Special D track we reviewed – that I liked it, even though I didn’t really want to. The beat was just about happy and poppy enough to outweigh the dodginess. Then the verses started, which are appalling for multiple reasons, and then just no.
Tom: It gets stranger. Bizarrely, Jonny Jakobsen put out a ‘Greatest Hits’ album in 2007 – which was just the previous two characters’ albums combined and cut down. Even more bizarrely: Basshunter provided a remix of ‘Calcutta’. That’s right: in the twenty-first century, in Europe, some record producer thought it’d be a great idea to get Basshunter to remix this track.
Tim: Musically, this is a bit better, and to be honest I think I could get on with an instrumental version of it. As it is, with the verses, it’s… it’s not for me, and I’ll leave it at that.
Tim: Here’s a kid that looks about fourteen, which is probably because he is about fourteen.
Tom: He sounds about twelve.
Tim: Anyway, possibly due to recent playground bullying he has discovered that boys shouldn’t cry, and has decided to write a song about that.
Tom: Oh no.
Tom: I know we’ve established that I’m getting old, but I’m officially classifying this under the “get off my lawn” department. It’s like a teenager whining about how they’ll never love anyone again after a breakup. Yes you will, billions of people have done it before you, get over it.
Tim: Musically, it isn’t bad. It’s a bit dull to start with, and I got a bit bored and moved onto other things, but a couple of minutes later I realised that was I was vaguely listening to was actually alright, so I decided to be charitable and give it a second chance. And yes, it’s still a bit boring at the start, but it does pick up eventually into something quite good, and that I wouldn’t mind listening to a few times.
Tom: It’s a bit bizarre, isn’t it? A harmonica and a flat cap almost make up for the fact he’s still going through puberty. If it wasn’t for the lyrics, I’d really like the last minute of this. Only the last minute of it, though.
Tim: It really ought to go without saying, though, that taking two minutes to make a three minute song sound decent is Just Not On. Sorry, Ulrich, but you’ll need to do better next time if you want to pass your music whatever-the-Swedish-version-of-GCSE-is.
Tom: Some Finnish electronic Europop for you now, Mr. Jeffries, suggested by reader Laura.
Tom: Hyökyaalto means ‘tsunami’, and he’s using that as a metaphor for love.
It’s a very listenable track, if not all that catchy. That “woah-oh-oh” breakdown before the chorus is great, and I’m always a fan of unnecessary double handclaps. It’s almost a bit U2-ish – add The Edge doing some electric guitar over the top and I think you’re basically there.
Tim: The intro got me nodding approvingly, and that feeling continued throughout, really. I slightly wish they’d done a bit more with the higher-pitched woah-oh-oh from the intro, through. The first time I heard it I did think it went on a bit after the bridge; the second time I also felt that, but didn’t mind at all.
Tom: Translated into English, I reckon this could be a hit over here.
There’s a curious disconnect between the video and the audio: in the video, his mouth putting so much energy and emphasis into every word, while the version of him in the studio seems to be singing quite calmly.
Tim: Sure, but if you put that amount of energy into a normal recording studio he’s going to end up knocking through the walls with his arms.
Tom: Not sure about the cuddle-party during the bridge, though.
Tim: Yeah – doesn’t really fit with the whole love idea.
Tim: Chances are, you’ve heard that the third Chronicles of Narnia film, The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, has just been released.
Tom: The third? I missed the second entirely. Anyway, if this has spawned anything half as good as Lazy Sunday, I’ll be happy.
Tim: Well, this song is from the soundtrack. Sort of. It’s slightly odd: the official recording artist is Carrie Underwood, who put together a not altogether bad version, but alongside that various other acts from around the world have recorded their own versions, presumably for the noble cause that is selling more copies of the soundtrack. These acts include Sweden’s E.M.D. (who actually managed to perform a very good live version, if a little shaky on the vocals), Britain’s Joe McElderry (who decided that one song wasn’t enough for him and did a somewhat better second one as well, especially if you quite liked the weird auto-tune fake backing singers effect on Ambitions) and Germany’s Victoria S (who, appropriately for the season, decided to dress up as a Christmas tree decoration).
Tom: Five versions of the same song? That’s a challenge even for me. Particularly with a song like that.
Tim: Yes – by and large, unfortunately, it’s not all that great. Somehow all of these separate groups/singers have taken what could (and indeed should) be a very emotional song, and seemingly stripped it of almost all feeling whatsoever.
Tom: Well, it’s a kids’ movie song. It’s not going to make adults that emotional. Apart from the ending of An American Tail. That can floor anyone and it is PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE to cry at it, okay?
Tim: Um, yes. Yes Tom. But even if this is a kids; movie, when the lyrics are ‘We could be the kings and queens, of anything if we believe’, I want to be made to run to the kitchen, grab some tin foil, and make myself a crown.
Tom: You don’t need a song to do that, Tim.
Tim: Anyway, Sonohra, an Italian duo, did better than most.
Tim: What is it about this one that I like? I don’t know. Their voices work well on it, which helps – it seems to work better for me in a lower register – and the instrumentation’s quite a bit louder and especially noticeable in the re-entry after the bridge, which helps create a song you can properly nod your head to. Most of all, though, they actually seem to be enjoying themselves a bit, which always comes in handy.
Tom: It’s the rocky-bit during the first half of the chorus – the ‘kings and queens’ bit – that stands out for me. The rest is generic movie-soundtrack rubbish, and sadly one awesome bit of melody isn’t enough to save the whole song for me.
Tim: Hmm, fair point, I suppose, but I like it.
Tom: And I’ve just realised why I like it – it’s almost exactly the same as the good bit from Robyn’s Call Your Girlfriend. “The only way her heart will mend”, and all that. It’s a sudden descending major-key bit that stands out. At this point, I which I knew more about music theory.
Tim: Ooh, it is and all, isn’t it? Anyway, sod this – you’re right, I don’t need a song. Now where did I put the Pritt Stick? And has anyone got a throne I can borrow?
Tom: A suggestion has flooded into our mailbox! It’s from Roger in Sweden, who read our review of Amy Diamond’s track and wrote in with this alternative:
Roger writes:
“This is the only completely new track from Amy Diamond’s Greatest Hits album. IMHO it is much better than Perfect and the other records they use to promote the album. I have no idea why they do not use this – can you give me some insight – please?!”
Tom: Well, I reckon it’s because it’s not that good. The trouble with Greatest Hits collections is that the odds of the ‘extra tracks’ being classics are pretty slim – Robbie Williams’ recent “Shame” being a notable exception.
Tim: Odd, that, isn’t it? You’d have thought they’d want to make them extra-special so they stand out on their own.
Tom: The backing sounds like they’ve badly sampled Coldplay; and it seemed to settle into ‘repeat until fade’ half way through the song.
Tim: Yes, and my word, does that result in an earworm and a half. I first heard it about twelve hours ago and it’s still going.
Tom: And then it didn’t end properly! It just kind of fizzled out.
Tim: BUT, it did get a bit fun going from side to side. That made me happy.
Tim: A second artist in two days with an apparent allergy to surnames, Hilda got her break presenting on the Swedish Disney Channel (much like Eric Saade), and is now making a foray into music with this, which wouldn’t sound out of place at a Miley Cyrus gig.
Tom: With that introduction echoing, the first thing that went through my mind on seeing this – and I feel so guilty for this – was “blimey, Miley Cyrus has put on some weight”. It’s a terrible thought, and I’m not happy with what that reveals about my subconscious. Also, it means that Miley Cyrus must be a damn stick insect.
Tim: This isn’t bad – it’s not a jingly-jangly sleigh bells all over the place track, which is a bit of a shame when the lyrics are so festive, but it does mean it can go on an album and not sound too out of place, I suppose.
Tom: It’s a cut above most modern pop Christmas songs – but what gets me is that it’s such an American Christmas song. Okay, that’s probably due to the Disney backing, and admittedly Tomte wouldn’t work quite as well as Santa in the lyrics… but damn it Disney, stop homogenising everything.
Tim: So, now we can get away with remarkably offensive thought processes as long as we demonstrate some in-depth knowledge of the culture of the person we’ve insulted? I must remember that.
Anyway, speaking of the lyrics, they’re not the most appropriate ever for a 14-year-old, although her age does mean she can get away with the line ‘Santa, if you do exist’.
Tim: E.M.D. are a Swedish boyband formed a while ago out of three Idol finalists, none of whom won it but each of whom was fairly competent and had vague solo success, but decided they could do better as a band. They are, if you like, a Scandinavian One Direction, two years earlier.
Anyway, right now that’s not particularly relevant. What is relevant is that the D. out of E.M.D.* is releasing this on Friday to remind us that he does exist as a solo artist in his own right, in preparation for entering Melodifestivalen next year.
* Creative naming at its finest there – the other two are Erik and Mattias.
Tom: Just before the chorus, I thought “ooh, this is about to kick in properly, isn’t it?” … and then it didn’t. It stayed exactly the same. Disappointment.
Tim: Perhaps. He does a similar trick to Robyn and a few others – trying to create the impression of the track kicking in by dipping slightly beforehand. Often that doesn’t work at all, but sometimes it does, and I think this is one of those times – the beat’s still heavy enough to satisfy as a chorus, even if it’s no bigger than the verse was.
I also like the post-bridge moment, which provides a whimsical touch for anybody who might find it dragging a bit.
Tom: Yes, but he’s pronounced ‘fire’ as two syllables and ‘desire’ as three – “fi-yah” and “desi-yah“. That irritates me for some reason – and now I’ve brought it to your attention, it’ll annoy you too.
Tim: It doesn’t, actually, mainly because it’s quite hard to pronounce -ire as one syllable anyway, especially if you’re singing.
The one really bad thing about it, though, is that video, which was clearly made by someone who should never ever have been introduced to Windows Movie Maker.
I started pumping my fist in the air during the intro.
Tim: Daniel Adams-Ray (Swedish/Scottish/Indonesian/Kenyan, but mostly Swedish) used to be half of hip-hop duo Snook, who drifted apart about six years ago; he took a break to go to design school and start a fashion label, but now he’s back on the scene as a solo artist and with an entirely different form of music. Such as this, which nine weeks on has only recently stopped being number one in Sweden, and whose title translates to ‘The Old Man in the Box’.
Tom: I started pumping my fist in the air during the intro. That’s the simplest and yet the heaviest percussion I’ve heard on a track like this, and it works perfectly.
Tim: Yes – I think it’s rather pleasant, really. It’s sung from the perspective of a man utterly devoted to his woman – ‘I took a bullet for you, and got little back / For you I will do it, a thousand times over’ – and musically I think fits well with that, being appropriately loud and energetic without being overly so.
Tom: It’s quite a spartan track, and that works – I can see why it was number one. There’ll be a remix that speeds it up a bit, no doubt, which will remove some of the plodding feeling that comes with it being basically a march in 2/4 time.
Tim: There are moments of ‘is it really still going?’ when it gets quiet two minutes in, but they quickly dissipate to be replaced by the same raw enthusiasm that the song returns with.
Tom: I got exactly that same feeling – but it’s worth it when it kicks back in. I want it to be faster and more danceable, but I respect the fact that it’s not.
