Alexandra Burke – The Silence

Vastly better than many of her previous offerings.

Tim: When Alexandra Burke won The X Factor two years back, most people who voted for JLS got all huffy and presumed she was going to be a Leona Lewis 2.0, especially what with the way her version of Hallelujah sounded. However, she came back with Bad Boys and a run of various other singles and proved them all decisively wrong. And now she’s done this and proved them right.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p6A-DEBfwDk

Tim: And that, actually, is no bad thing whatsoever, because I think this is great, and vastly better than many of her previous offerings (partially because it’s entirely devoid of references to masturbation). It is big, it is emotional, it is exactly what it wants to be – it is, overall, excellent. I’m not sure if it’s a proper change of direction or just a one-off; either way, I like it a lot.

Tom: We need to find a word for that feeling where a song’s predictable enough that you’re sure you’ve heard it before. That’s not really a complaint – the song is, frankly, a belter and it fits her voice perfectly. And what a key change!

Tim: Isn’t it just? And that’s another thing we need to find a word for – that bit in a song which exists solely to get the listener excited about the upcoming key change. Previously, I thought not much could beat Bellefire’s Perfect Bliss, but this four and a half second monster sends it flying right out of the water and into a tiny duck pond.

Tom: That’s a terrible metaphor, by the way.

Tim: It is, isn’t it? Oh well.

Tom: But that change-warning is longer than you think – from the start of the swoosh sound to when the new key actually kicks in is a full nine seconds. That’s got to be a record.

Tim: Is it an appalling musical device? Yes, definitely. But is it absolutely fantastic here? Yes, definitely.

Saturday Flashback: Mike Posner – Cooler Than Me

What a dick.

Tim: This one’s been suggested by Vanessa, who writes:

“I like the bass line and the vocals, but after a few repetitions it becomes rather trite.”

Well, that basically sums up most of the things we review here, so let’s have a look.

Tom: I think I can sum the video up as ‘what a dick’.

Tim: Now now, don’t be nasty – just because he likes to wear a lot of glasses and write songs reassuring women that he is in fact cooler than them, he’s not… actually, no, you’re right. He is.

Tom: Vanessa’s right, though. The vocals are competent, with a slight breathy quality that seems to work despite the fact that half the time they don’t actually seem to be hitting any note. The bassline’s catchy, too – and the brief mid-song pause with ‘shh’ works really well.

Tim: It’s alright – for me it just seemed to go in one ear and out of the other. Nothing really wrong with it, but nothing to really make me want to hear it again.

Tom: It’s a pity that, as I mentioned, he appears to be a dick. On the plus side, the 3D bit of the video really is filmed in 3D – the concept’s excellent.

Amy Diamond – Ready To Fly

Badly sampled Coldplay, repeat until fade.

Tom: A suggestion has flooded into our mailbox! It’s from Roger in Sweden, who read our review of Amy Diamond’s track and wrote in with this alternative:

Roger writes:

“This is the only completely new track from Amy Diamond’s Greatest Hits album. IMHO it is much better than Perfect and the other records they use to promote the album. I have no idea why they do not use this – can you give me some insight – please?!”

Tom: Well, I reckon it’s because it’s not that good. The trouble with Greatest Hits collections is that the odds of the ‘extra tracks’ being classics are pretty slim – Robbie Williams’ recent “Shame” being a notable exception.

Tim: Odd, that, isn’t it? You’d have thought they’d want to make them extra-special so they stand out on their own.

Tom: The backing sounds like they’ve badly sampled Coldplay; and it seemed to settle into ‘repeat until fade’ half way through the song.

Tim: Yes, and my word, does that result in an earworm and a half. I first heard it about twelve hours ago and it’s still going.

Tom: And then it didn’t end properly! It just kind of fizzled out.

Tim: BUT, it did get a bit fun going from side to side. That made me happy.

Tom: Could do better, I think.

Hilda – Just One Wish

Wouldn’t sound out of place at a Miley Cyrus gig.

Tim: A second artist in two days with an apparent allergy to surnames, Hilda got her break presenting on the Swedish Disney Channel (much like Eric Saade), and is now making a foray into music with this, which wouldn’t sound out of place at a Miley Cyrus gig.

Tom: With that introduction echoing, the first thing that went through my mind on seeing this – and I feel so guilty for this – was “blimey, Miley Cyrus has put on some weight”. It’s a terrible thought, and I’m not happy with what that reveals about my subconscious. Also, it means that Miley Cyrus must be a damn stick insect.

Tim: This isn’t bad – it’s not a jingly-jangly sleigh bells all over the place track, which is a bit of a shame when the lyrics are so festive, but it does mean it can go on an album and not sound too out of place, I suppose.

Tom: It’s a cut above most modern pop Christmas songs – but what gets me is that it’s such an American Christmas song. Okay, that’s probably due to the Disney backing, and admittedly Tomte wouldn’t work quite as well as Santa in the lyrics… but damn it Disney, stop homogenising everything.

Tim: So, now we can get away with remarkably offensive thought processes as long as we demonstrate some in-depth knowledge of the culture of the person we’ve insulted? I must remember that.

Anyway, speaking of the lyrics, they’re not the most appropriate ever for a 14-year-old, although her age does mean she can get away with the line ‘Santa, if you do exist’.

Tom: …no she can’t.

Danny Saucedo – In Your Eyes

He does a similar trick to Robyn.

Tim: E.M.D. are a Swedish boyband formed a while ago out of three Idol finalists, none of whom won it but each of whom was fairly competent and had vague solo success, but decided they could do better as a band. They are, if you like, a Scandinavian One Direction, two years earlier.

Anyway, right now that’s not particularly relevant. What is relevant is that the D. out of E.M.D.* is releasing this on Friday to remind us that he does exist as a solo artist in his own right, in preparation for entering Melodifestivalen next year.

* Creative naming at its finest there – the other two are Erik and Mattias.

Tom: Just before the chorus, I thought “ooh, this is about to kick in properly, isn’t it?” … and then it didn’t. It stayed exactly the same. Disappointment.

Tim: Perhaps. He does a similar trick to Robyn and a few others – trying to create the impression of the track kicking in by dipping slightly beforehand. Often that doesn’t work at all, but sometimes it does, and I think this is one of those times – the beat’s still heavy enough to satisfy as a chorus, even if it’s no bigger than the verse was.

I also like the post-bridge moment, which provides a whimsical touch for anybody who might find it dragging a bit.

Tom: Yes, but he’s pronounced ‘fire’ as two syllables and ‘desire’ as three – “fi-yah” and “desi-yah“. That irritates me for some reason – and now I’ve brought it to your attention, it’ll annoy you too.

Tim: It doesn’t, actually, mainly because it’s quite hard to pronounce -ire as one syllable anyway, especially if you’re singing.

The one really bad thing about it, though, is that video, which was clearly made by someone who should never ever have been introduced to Windows Movie Maker.

Hurts – All I Want for Christmas is New Year’s Day

Oh my word, that’s lovely.

Tim: Now then, Tom. Imagine: you’re a songwriter, you’re not so keen on Christmas right now, for one reason or another, and you want to tell the world.

Tom: This had better be good, Tim. I don’t like new Christmas records as a general rule.

Tim: Do you (a) make a track about how life isn’t great and that hopefully soon the trouble will pass, or (b) make a track about how life isn’t great and that hopefully soon the trouble will pass that’s so incredibly festive that there is no way it cannot fail to bring back Christmas memories? Well, guess what Hurts did.

Tom: Oh my word, that’s lovely.

Tim: Isn’t it? I love it – partly it’s because I really like Christmas music, and if I had the power I would pass a law decreeing that chiming bells must be used in all music releases.

Tom: Don’t ever do that. It’d mean that the proper use of them, like this, wouldn’t be special any more. Normally in Christmas music bells are chucked in at the end, just to add the ‘right feeling’ in there, but they just fit so well here.

Tim: Fair point. Guess I may as well put my political career on hold, then. Anyway, I also love this because it fits with the Hurts formula that I think is superb: entirely contrasting moods of music and lyrics, massive chorus, and vaguely optimistic outlook – ‘I know there’ll be tidings of joy this time next year but happiness has never felt so far away’.

Tom: ‘And all I want for Christmas is New Year’s Day.’ As I write this, I’m tired, and so I’m likely to be a bit more emotional than my normal cynical dry-husk self… but that just hit me right in the heart. See? I just used italics, for crying out loud.

Tim: However, minor annoyance: ‘It’s only seven days till Christmas, six more till New Years Day’. LEARN TO COUNT. They’re even the same day of the week; how hard can it be?

Tom: I’m even willing to give him the benefit of the doubt on this; there’s six days between the end of Christmas and the start of New Years’ Day, and I think that’s just fine.

Tim: I guess you’re right. It is a bloody marvellous song, though, so I will happily overlook it. Just this once, though.

Tom: This is going to be my Christmas song for this year. I’m not sure what I’ll be getting up to, but whatever it is, this song is always going to bring back memories of it. Well done, Hurts. Well done.

Tim: Absolutely. And you know what the best thing of all is? They’ve gone and been all lovely and have decided that, since it’s Christmas, for the next seven days anybody with an iTunes account can get it absolutely free.

Black Eyed Peas – The Time (Dirty Bit)

Is it music? Not really. Is it listenable? Not at all.

Tim: Now, what is this? Is it music? Not really. Is it listenable? Not at all. Why, then, are we featuring it? Because it’s too awful not to, and for some unknown (and to me utterly inconceivable) reason the normally fairly sensible British public have bought more copies of it this past week than of any other single. The thing is, I could cope with it if it was a Black Eyed Peas version of Time of My Life, and I might even enjoy it somewhat.

Tom: For the first minute, I was wondering what was so offensive about it – it sounded like they’d just covered Time of My Life, which wouldn’t be a bad thing in itself.

Tim: I could just about cope with it if it was just the other part of it, although I’d probably just dismiss it and forget about it. But as it is, it’s just appalling. The fact that part of it is a cover implies that it’s meant to be music, but I really can’t work out any form of a tune for much of the rest of it, which is surely a necessary part.

The one redeeming thing about it is that, for a five minute song, it seems to pass fairly quickly.

Tom: Not for me, Tim. Not for me.

Tim: Oh, and as for the video: full marks to the CG people, but boxes on heads? What? I’m also wondering what the criteria are for whether someone gets turned into bricks or not – are these the people that are too ashamed to be seen in this video? And also, at 3:26, is that actually a girl fellating somebody on the dancefloor? Because that’s what it looks like, even if he is made of blocks.

Tom: For a while I thought it depended on whether their voices were filtered or not, but… no. It’s just there because it’s there.

Tim: Although having watched the video I am tempted to go out and pre-order a Blackberry Playbook. Except NO. I’M NOT. BECAUSE SHIT PRODUCT PLACEMENT LIKE THAT IS HORRENDOUS. AND I HATE THE SONG EVEN MORE NOW.

Tom: I think we’re in agreement there.

Saturday Flashback: Girls Can’t Catch – Echo

They possibly had potential.

Tim: You know how sometimes you get a song stuck in your head, but then you can’t remember the name of it no matter how hard you try? Yeah, well this isn’t one of those.

Tom: When the video starts, it looks like they’re performing in front of the first second of the ‘Futurama’ titles on loop. I expected the Planet Express ship to crash into their blatantly-not-on-the-Cliffs-of-Dover stage. They also appear to be sending out dangerous blasts of light towards France – which, despite the title of the song, never echo back. Opportunity missed there, video director.

Tim: Fifty per cent of the cost of the video saved there, video director. But part of me wants them to be shot out to sea by the shockwave effect they’re going for.

Tom: “Whoops, sorry love, mistimed that one. We’ll get the lifeboat for you, just hang on.”

Tim: This group existed for about a year, had two singles, broke up the day after after being dropped about six months ago, and have an album due out on 13th December (the logic presumably being that it’s a shame to waste all the stuff they’ve recorded). Bit of a shame they split up, because I very much enjoyed this song, and they possibly had potential.

Tom: They are Another Girl Group, and there’ll be another one along in a minute.

Tim: Well, quite. They will in all likelihood never be missed, especially given that they wrote practically none of their material – even their name was second-hand, after The Saturdays rejected it.

Tom: Surely there’s a whole line in vaguely sexist band names? How about “Men Never Want To Cuddle After Sex”? that could work.

Tim: I would definitely buy a single by Girls Who Spend Money On Clothing. Mind you, we could just rewrite some recent tracks, like OMD’s Sister Marie Says Get Out Of My Kitchen, perhaps, or Robyn’s Indestructible (My Love For These Shoes).

Tom: It’s all right, folks, he’s being ironically sexist.

Katy B feat. Ms Dynamite – Lights On

I’m sorry, is it the 90s all of a sudden?

Tom: I’m sorry, is it the 90s all of a sudden?

Tom: We need a name for something, Tim, and that something is “the feeling you get two minutes into a song when you realise no, it’s not over yet, and you haven’t even heard the bridge yet”. I got that feeling so strongly with this track.

Tim: Me too, and so much so that I can’t really think anything other than ‘why hasn’t this finished yet?’ It’s just seems so pointless.

Tom: Yes, we get it Katy, you’re drunk and you don’t want to stop dancing. Now stop embarrassing yourself and head to the cloakroom, the bouncers are starting to look at you funny. No, the floor isn’t tilting. Just… walk with me, okay, just over here. Okay, great.

As for Ms Dynamite: when did mid-90s half-singing half-rapping come back into fashion? It was a bit embarrassing back then, and it definitely is now.

Tim: I believe we can attribute that to Alesha Dixon’s The Boy Does Nothing, which wouldn’t really have happened without Strictly Come Dancing; as such, I blame Bruce Forsyth.

Tom: Yes, but you blame everything on Bruce Forsyth.

Tim: Look, I don’t care what you say about my tripping over that bucket – if it wasn’t for him and that bloody catchphrase we’d never have come anywhere near to getting caught and you know it. I might still have most of my hair as well.

Cee-Lo Green – It’s OK

It seems that pretty much everything Cee-Lo touches turns to gold.

Tom: It seems that pretty much everything Cee-Lo touches turns to gold. I hope the second single off ‘The Ladykiller’ gets some attention, even though it doesn’t have the shock value of ‘Fuck You‘ – because it deserves it.

Tom: It doesn’t have quite the same singalong quality to it, but my word it’s an excellent track.

Tim: I agree.

Tom: This is neo-soul – like Motown only with modern production values – and I have the feeling that record labels are already hunting round for the next ten singers they’re going to try and shoehorn into that slot.

Tim: Probably, although one of the most likely contenders was voted off the X Factor, after being compared to just about any black person going (seriously – there was Marvin Gaye, Luther Vandross and, um, Lenny Henry).

Tom: Honestly, this song just makes me smile.

Tim: Yes. I really like the lyrics videos they’ve done – even if the song takes a bit of dip at one point, you can just follow the words like a dog watching TV, not really knowing what’s going on but enchanted by the pretty patterns.

Tom: It’s called “kinetic typography“, and it’s one of those things that’s easy to do – but very difficult to do well. Folks who try to rip it off will just… well, they’ll look like they’re ripping it off.