Tim: It probably goes without saying, but this song contains language that delicate readers may find offensive.
Tom: For several different reasons, I’ll bet. You know what? I think you’re going to dig yourself into a hole at some point during this review. When you do, you’ll hear the screeching alarm of my patent-pending “Tim Digging Himself Into A Hole Alarm”.
Tim: Now, the message of this song is slightly odd. Because on one side, there’s the “watch your bitch” – abusive language, telling him to be careful – indicating she’d like to get with him, as it were. On the other side, there’s the main reason given – “she knows she can do better” – i.e. you’re ugly, and that’s hardly the best way to get into a guy’s pants.
Tom: Hmm. Bit of a bleeping here, like you’re working your way down a line of argument that’s not quite right.
Tim: Reading further into it, the real message of the song is “I’m not as fit as that cow you’re dating, so you should get with me instead.”
Tom: Fairly loud buzzing noise now. I think you’ve mistaken the “she can do better” as being about–
Tim: Excuse me, still talking here.
Now, it’s been a while since I had any sort of relationship, so I may be out of the loop a bit —
Tom: The bleeper went quiet. In sympathy, I think.
Tim: — but I’m fairly sure that’s not really the sort of line that would make me ditch my girlfriend. Because if I’ve got a good looking lady, I’m not going to chuck her for a rude minger. Jog on, lady.
Tom: WOOP WOOP WOOP THAT’S THE SOUND OF TIM IN A HOLE. Listen to those lyrics again.
Tim: Ah. Right, so it turns out that the verses make it clear that it is in fact she who is the bitch she’s singing about, and it’s just a warning to be a better boyfriend. Oh, sod it, I’ve written it now, so let’s ignore those bits.
Tom: Not a bad track, though. Anyway, the Tim Digging Himself Into A Hole Alarm is available for iPhone and iPad, 69p from the App Store.
Tim: It would go off at least two or three times a day, though, so proceed with caution.