Tom: I predict you’re going to hate this, Tim, but that’s mainly because I hate it.
Tim: Hate’s a strong word, really, but you’re not far off. Still, let’s write about it anyway.
Tom: I think it’s the grating, endless air-raid siren sample that started me on the disliking path, followed by suddenly realising the speaking-in-tongues backing existed, and not being able to hear anything else.
Tim: For me it’s just so slow – during the verses, there’s an incredibly dull beat in the background, and the lines she sings are punctuated by equal amounts of silence from her, which accentuates that.
Tom: The song goes nowhere, does nothing, occasionally does an irritating fake-silent bit, and – just to kick folks when they’re down – has a not-clever poorly-flowing rap as a middle eight.
Tim: Were you honestly expecting anything else? That’s almost the worst part about the rap bit – yes, it’s crap, but you knew it was going to be crap as soon as the second chorus ended, and then it just meanders along. I’m reminded of the scene in Austin Powers where the guy’s twenty metres from the slow-moving truck and screams at it desperately to stop rather than getting out of the way, except here we can’t get out of the way so it’s not funny.
Tom: Then there’s the generic beach video, in which she seems to be wearing enough makeup for a small army of drag queens – either that, or she’s been badly digitally airbrushed in post.
Tim: Does look like quite a fun beach party, though, and by the looks of their dancing they had some much better music than this in the background.
Tom: In summary: don’t like it.
Tim: Likewise. But something good’s come from it: we’ve just written a thorough, detailed, grown-up review of a song we both dislike, rather than descending into the usual snark and cheap digs. I hate to say this, Tom, but I think we’ve matured.
Tom: Like your mum.
Tim: What?
Tom: Sorry, that doesn’t even make sense, does it?
Tim: In the literal sense of growing older, yes; as a joke? Not remotely.