Tim: Part of me feels I should apologise from the get go, here. This is a boyband comprising three 14/15 kids that, much like INJU5TICE and FriXion, is destined for ignominy, obscurity and oblivion. And it’s a pretty terrible track. Why are we covering it, then? What is remotely noticeable about it? Well, the band is the sole output of Duncan Bannatyne’s new record label. Yes.
Tom: I’ve been playing around with Melodyne over the last few days – the industry-standard pitch-correction-slash-Autotune tool. I’ve found that I really can’t sing – and I’ve had that told to me in cold, mathematical detail – but I’ve also found that autotune is really, really obvious when you have pitch that’s as bad as mine.
So either one or more of these guys can’t sing, or they really need to upgrade their copy of Melodyne.
Tim: Now, we think, Bannatyne is a business genius, and must have some brilliant marketing people. So what have they called the record label? Bannertune, maybe, or perhaps Bangertyne. Or, if he’s feeling cheeky, POP! Bangertyne! But no, it’s Bannatyne Records. OPPORTUNITY MISSED, DUNCS.
Tom: “POP! Bangertyne!”? Bloody hell, Tim, you should be in marketing.
Tim: You’re very kind. But let’s move on. The song. Let’s be honest, it’s not remotely notable.
Tom: It’s not notable, but I will say this: it is competent. Mostly. I mean, I keep thinking that “picking the numbers” will become “picking the nose”, and “kissing an angel” sounds remarkably like “kissing a ninja”, but it’s not actually a bad track. I can see it being an album track for a proper mainstream pop band, and hell, if One Direction somehow decided to put it out it’d still race to the top of the charts.
The previous bands we’ve mocked really did have terrible singles – but this isn’t terrible.
Tim: No – perhaps I was slightly harsh, almost predisposed to disliking it. But it’s really not special.
The band? The blond one’s eyebrows look a bit scary, but again, nothing notable. The video? Well, the ugly nerdy does not, in strict violation of correct policy and procedure, suddenly turn beautiful thanks to something or other during the middle eight, so that’s out.
Tom: It’s a pretty cringeworthy video, to be sure – they haven’t quite got the budget or acting chops to pull off what they want to pull off.
Tim: I can, basically, think of nothing positive to say about this.
Tom: Have another listen. Much as I’d love to hate it, I don’t. As a cheap and cheesy pop song, it’s good.
Tim: The song may be alright, but nowhere near good enough to raise the band to an acceptable level. So, are you going to say it, or shall I?
Tom: Take it.
Tim: Duncan. The track is mediocre. The band is disappointing. The video is distinctly sub-par. For those reasons, I’m out.