Tom: Remember when Bonnie Tyler’s Eurovision song got an official remix, and we were all “you know, that’s probably the song they should have sent in the first place”?
Tim: I do.
Tom: Well, prepare for the EXACT OPPOSITE.
Tim: Oh.
Tom: Now, admittedly, changing the genre of an electroswing track is probably not going to improve it. And there’s something to be said for the disjointed, chopped-about style of remixing — it can work well sometimes. But… not this time. Really not.
Tim: No. No, no, no no no.
Tom: It sounds like someone’s made a boots-and-cats beat generator, a load of buttons that cue in roughly-quantized samples, and then just given the resulting control panel to a toddler to mess around with.
Tim: I had in mind a slightly different metaphor – basically chopping the song up into component parts, sticking them in a bingo machine along with some standard dance music tropes and then pulling bits out at random – but it all adds up to the same thing: a complete and total mess.
Tom: On the plus side, at least this version isn’t going to Vienna.