Tom: Remember Frans, the one who wasn’t sorry at Eurovision this year?
Tim: Upsettingly, yes.
Tom: Well, on Sunday night I was in Gävle, Sweden, and he was the headline act at a big outdoor concert.
Tim: The one with the big goat thing?
Tom: Yes. It was an outdoor concert and it was absolutely freezing. Turns out applause sounds really different when everyone’s got gloves on.
ANYWAY. He did a new song. And it turns out he’s been doing this song for months, he just hasn’t got around to releasing it yet.
Tim: I see. Any improvement?
Tom: Now, you remember how “If I Was Sorry” was a bit too mopey for us, a bit too slow and sad? Well, brace yourself, because he has DOUBLED DOWN on the moping.
Tim: Oh, GOD – can I claim a refund for the THREE WHOLE MINUTES I spent waiting for that to get interesting? And what the hell is he doing while that guitar’s playing? Mate, you’re meant to be performing, you shouldn’t be sitting down looking bored and having a drink.
Tom: I reckon that’s pretty terrible: the sort of thing that Niall Horan would go ‘oh, yeah, that’s an album track’ to. But here’s the thing – I think I know how I could save it.
Tim: Really? Because I’d say ‘move on quickly’ would be a good first step. But do share.
Tom: Do a Phil Collins. Do an ‘In The Air Tonight’. Where that guitar noodling comes in at about 2:20? Do a massive, gated drum drop. Sell the hell out of it. Give the song a payoff. That could do it.
Tim: Yeah, that could work; it’d need to be earlier – end of the first chorus, latest, but it could help.
Tom: Right now, it’s just all moping.