Tim: Is 1.2m followers on Instagram a lot? Like, massive?
Tom: I mean, sure. It’s a million. That’s a big number.
Tim: Yeah, but in terms of Instagram celebrity. I ask because apparently it’s enough to get this guy a record deal. Question before you press play: do you think it’ll be any good?
Tom: I get the feeling that’s a rhetorical question.
Tim: Your insight serves you well.
Tom: I dislike him and his floppy undercut hair immediately, and I’m aware how hypocritical that statement is.
Tim: Good, as I was considering pointing it out. Now, it’s almost impressive, really, quite how rubbish this is.
Tom: Are those lyrics, or just a Markov chain trained on Thomas Cook brochures? What happened to the bass? What’s with the bizarre colorised flash effects?
Tim: To all of those questions, I can only answer: I just don’t know. Thing is, it’s not even enjoyably awful, like INJU5TICE (there’s a blast from the past for you) – there’s no way of sitting back and laughing at how terrible it is. It’s just utterly bland – pointless lyrics, no energy in the music, nothing to stand out at all.
Tom: He hits the notes competently. That’s the only compliment I can muster.
Tim: Even Redfoo’s appearance just sort of happens, without bringing anything to the table whatsoever.
Tom: “When I walk the street / all the girls drive by and they go beep beep”. He does bring something to the table, and unfortunately it’s terrible. It’s not even parody-terrible, it’s just terrible.
Tim: I think we may have a total low for the music 2017, right now. And not in a good way.
Tom: By the way, Tim, we wrote that INJU5TICE review seven years ago.
Tim: Yet when I read the lyrics “I need some loving, I’m a long long way from home” the tune immediately came back to me. That’s the sign of a good bad song. This isn’t even that.