Category: Saturday Reject

Saturday Reject: Bella & Filippa – Crucified

“Competing against an old man with a mouth organ.”

Tim: Back to the unembeddable heats now, and Tom, since you’ve never watched a Melodifestivalen heat, let me tell you how the results work: start with seven, and after the first round of voting, two get knocked out, and voting then recommences. After that, one finalist is announced, then the two going though Andra Chansen, and lastly the second finalist, with the remaining one thus being in fifth place. Often, that last result is obvious, and I figured that was true more than ever in heat 3, because this was competing against an old man with a mouth organ.

Tom: Heh. Mouth organ.

Tim: Yes, very good, well done. Here’s the song.

Tim: Now, much like Etzia and her roller skates, I’m not arguing this should have been a winner, or even necessarily gone straight to the final – it was a very, very strong heat.

Tom: And this, while it’s not a bad song, is only a so-so Eurovision entrant. It’s uncomfortably close to Texas Lightning.

Tim: Except, the only dodgy song – the weakest, weirdest, most novelty song – came in the top two. And this came in fifth. It’s MADNESS.

Tom: Never underestimate the power of the novelty vote, Tim.

Tim: True, but straight to the final? Damn, that’s not right.

Nano – Hold On

“Take Me To Church, reworked for Melodifestivalen.”

Tim: There’s an ASTONISHINGLY good new Sound of Arrows track out today, but we’ll get to that on Monday as we’ve one more from the Melodifestivalen final. First with the Swedes, second overall, and, well, it’s quite the track.

Tim: It took me a while to realise what it was that got me going so much about this – not in the jump around banging sense of getting me going, but in the powerful and heavy sense. It’s that it’s basically…

Tom: Take Me To Church with drum and bass?

Tim: You know, I was all set for a “cannot believe you’re comparing those two” for this, but yes: it’s Take Me To Church, reworked and remixed for Melodifestivalen. You’ve got your strong, but not overstated, male vocal under a comparatively quiet backing in the verses, turning everything up several notches for the chorus, and then – and here’s where the Melodifestivalen bit comes in – an enormous instrumental section where everything goes nuts but doesn’t lose any of the depth.

Tom: And the thing is, it works. It really works.

Tim: Flashing lights, drums and beats everywhere, but you’ve still got your minor key and flowing from one note to the next rather than jumping all over the place.

Tom: And then for the second verse, there’s still a bit more drumbeat in there. This is exactly how you handle a change like that.

Tim: There’s a couple of things I’d change about the performance – it might seem more meaningful if he didn’t look like he’d just walked in off the street after a day drinking in his nearest Wetherspoon’s, and he should really leave the dancing to the actual dancers – but I can’t fault the song. At all.

Wiktoria – As I Lay Me Down

“Occasionally I have a problem with Melodifestivalen…”

Tim: Fourth in this week’s series of “songs Tim thought were considerably better than Robin Bengtsson”, the entry from your favourite last year. This time, the Swedish voters agreed with me, with it coming second to his third (voting was very close this year – lowest ranked got six percent, highest got less than twelve – so the juries held a lot of sway).

Tim: And we keep a small amount of the country stylings, but immediately get off to a much bigger start, with it very quickly approaching banger status.

Tom: It’s not bad, is it? I think it’s my favourite of the ones you’ve sent so far, for the same reasons as last year. Also, full marks to her for being able to manage not just the big shouty bits, but also a whistle-register note — all in the middle of a high-pressure live show.

That bed should absolutely have lifted up off the ground for the final chorus, though. Staging opportunity missed.

Tim: Oh, good call. But here’s the thing: occasionally (but only very occasionally) I have a problem with Melodifestivalen, and it’s exemplified by this. Basically: all the good songs are out at once. As I write this, 16 of the Swedish Spotify top 20 are from there (four of the rest are from one artist, you can guess who), and although that’s a sign of a strong competition, it does get me a little annoyed that the rest of the year suffers slightly as a result. Towards the end of each year, if an artist has an amazing song, why release it then rather than submit it for Melodifestivalen, when they may do much better as a result with all the publicity?

Tom: When it’s being played potentially three times (heat, Andra Chansen, final) in front of an engaged TV audience who are actively interested in the music? It’s a strong argument.

Tim: On the other hand, it’s only very occasionally I think like that. Most of the time, it’s a period to look forward to. Sure, they’re all out in one six week period, but boy, what a six week period.

FO&O – Gotta Thing About You

A golden opportunity for a key change.

Tim: Here’s the thing about boybands and Eurovision: however good the songs might be, and however much of a reaction they might get from the live crowds, they tank. Last year, Joe and Jake came third from bottom, while Denmark’s Lighthouse X didn’t even qualify for the final. Fortunately, Sweden realised this when they binned off this otherwise really quite good one, from the band previously known as The Fooo and also as The Fooo Conspiracy (one of the Os left).

Tom: It’s rare that a boy band change their name more often than their lineup.

Tom: Okay, let’s get two things out of the way: “every time you bake I wanna eat cake” is an appalling first line…

Tim: True.

Tom: …and in general usage “gotta” is short for “got to”, not “got a”.

Tim: Picky, but also true.

Tom: ANYWAY.

Tim: ANYWAY. We’ve had songs before that halve their BPM for the chorus, most notably Norway’s Eurovision entry last year, which didn’t make the final, and while this doesn’t do that it does kind of give the impression of it, going from a fast moving and heavy beating verse to an almost euphoric chorus. Unlike previously I really really love that: it creates all the impression of variety, but none of the actual disjoint that it would otherwise provide. And it sounds great as well.

Tom: Ugh, really? I don’t hear it: it all melds into one forgettable boy band number. It’s not even a One Direction album track, it’s one that ends up being passed down to… oh. Yeah, it’s one that ends up being passed down to FO&O.

Tim: There are drawbacks: the blonde one really needs to lose the Chesney Hawkes hair…

Tom: I was thinking Mac from Green Wing, but sure.

Tim: …the choreography should be a lot more polished, and while key changes are a bit passé they’ve missed a golden opportunity for one there. So all in all, Sweden: good decision, but it’s a shame you had to make it.

Jon Henrik Fjällgren feat. Aninia – En värld full av strider (Eatneme gusnie jeenh dåaroeh)

Pretentious bellend?

Tom: Is this Melodifestivalen Reject Week, then? Not complaining, just figured I’d set context.

Tim: Well, we’ve done it for the past couple of years, as the final’s always a highlight. Speaking of finals, highlights and years gone by, you’ll remember Jon Henrik from his entry two years ago; you said it’s “the soundtrack to sweeping panoramas of the natural world, but it’s not going to work in Vienna.” This year, he came back with his signature joik, which got him fourth with the juries, fourth with the voters, and third overall. Isn’t split voting fun?

Tom: I had to search for what a “joik” was.

Tim: Well, it’s this sort of thing:

Tim: You know, part of me would love to see this in Kyiv, just to find out what the reaction would be. He’s said he thinks he’d do well because many Europeans have a deep love for native or folk music, and I’d like to know if that’s true. Would they think, “ooh, I see what they’re doing, and it’s a good track to boot”, or would it be “oh, bollocks to this, I’m going to the loo, though save me a drink for that key change”?

Tom: I can’t quite work it out, but I think there might actually be three key changes in here: there’s a subtle one after the first verse, and half way through the final chorus. I’m not enough of a musician to know if those are technically some other musical term though.

Tim: Ooh, they are very slight, but you could be right. Given Ukraine’s victory last year I’m leaning towards the former option, and it’d be lovely if that did (though you might have to throw in an “arsehole” or two to guarantee it).

Tom: Ah, I was thinking the latter there: you start a Eurovision song with a deep, meaningful talking part and I reckon a lot of the audience will immediately dismiss you as a pretentious bellend.

Tim: That is a possibility, I guess, though I’m very much with the first group because it is a good song. It’s not quite as good, for me, as Jag Är Fri – I don’t want to say “he’s sold out”, but it’s a bit poppier than his previous, and I think that lets it down a tad.

Tom: Whereas I’d phrase that as “made it more accessible”. It’s certainly not a Eurovision winner — but then, I’d have said that about Ukraine’s entry last year, so who knows?

Tim: Well, I still like it, and I can see why it did well. I’d just like it to have done really well, for entirely selfish reasons.

Lisa Ajax – I Don’t Give A

“This TRIUMPH of a song came LAST”

Tim: Now I know we normally do rejects on a Saturday, but we’re having this today because (a) Sweden’s special and (b) this so does not deserve to be classed as a reject and (c) WHAT A BLOODY SHAMBLES. Oh, and it’s got rude words.

Tom: Well, that’s certainly bold.

Tim: Now we’ll get to the lyrics in a minute, but I’ve just finished watching the Melodifestivalen final, and this TRIUMPH of a song came LAST in the public vote, getting SIX PER CENT. WHAT THE ACTUAL. HOW. Honestly, I lost enough respect for the British people when they voted for our entry, but I’m almost tempted to give up on Sweden as well.

Tom: Mm. A bit of an overreaction there, perhaps; there are plenty of reasons why they might have abandoned it.

Tim: Alright, then, some rational thoughts: first, maybe it wasn’t the best call to have, as the sole staging element, a massive shot of her face. And maybe it wasn’t the best call to have the least family-friendly lyrics that Melodifestivalen has ever seen – I’m sure you’re aware that Eurovision rule 1.2.2(h) states that lyrics may not bring Eurovision ‘into disrepute’, but you know what? I DON’T GIVE A.

Tom: That staging is… well, it comes across as narcissistic even if it was someone else’s idea.

Tim: Sweden’s winner, the above average I Can’t Go On, contains the line “when you look this freaking beautiful”, and when it was performed in the first heat that word was not “freaking”. Words can be rewritten.

Tom: But to what? The song lyrics wouldn’t work any other way, that’s true, but there’s no way it’d actually be allowed at Eurovision. Replacing it with a gasp is the best alternative I can think of, and that’s still not right.

Tim: Fair, though actually apparently a version was done that was played to the international juries – the main line was “I don’t give a damn”, though I’m not sure what the other could have been.

And aside from those two things: I don’t get it. The melody is great. She has a fantastic voice, demonstrated throughout. Most importantly: it’s fun. It’s a fantastic piece of pure unadulterated pop music, rather than some slightly generic three minute dance-pop track.

Tom: I don’t hear it: yes, it’s pure pop music, but other than the shock value of the lyrics it comes across as pretty generic to me.

Tim: RUDE. This is genuinely one of my favourite tracks of the year, and it got fewer votes than the old guy with the harmonica. Shameful. And incidentally, “gilipollas” in the tweet at the top? Twitter translates it as “idiots”; Google instead goes for “douchebags”, vastly more appropriate.)

Saturday Reject: Etzia – Up

“Huh. That’s strange.”

Tim: Oh, this had so much potential. Knocked out in the first round of Melodifestivalen, yet rejected, I can only imagine, for something utterly bizarre. Once again, just a link:

Etzia – Up

Tom: Not again! Just like last week, Tim; this is retro, and I don’t mean that in a Stranger Things way, I mean it in a… well, in a roller disco way, given that staging.

Tim: Oh it is, yes, and I don’t for a moment claim this is a modern track, or even at all should be a winner. The reason I mention it, though, is that there are a couple of notes in there that, when I was watching, sounded decidedly flat. I thought “oh, balls, she’s messed that up, but let’s hope she’s forgiven”. But then I checked the studio version, and she performed them flawlessly – they’re just written that way, and it sounds so weird.

Tom: Huh. That’s strange — although to be honest, the whole thing sounds weird, Tim. It’s not unpleasant, of course, and it’s not even mediocre — it’s a good track, it’s just unsuited for the audience.

Tim: Of course, there may be other reasons – the key change, however great, may have put voters off, or they may genuinely have preferred the novelty old man act (which will never grace these pages) that came above it. But still, it’s a bizarre choice to make for that melody.

Saturday Reject: Dinah Nah – One More Night

“Distorted vocal samples and tropical beats”

Tim: Quick bit of admin: for some reason, SVT have decide to disable embedding on their YouTube videos, at least for the time being, so all we can offer is a link to the performance, SORRY. But back to the main part: Melodifestivalen’s a weird one to judge, as far as trying to work out why a track got rejected. In most other countries, we’ve just got one show, so it’s a “why would you pick that one instead of this?” With four heats, though, and four from the seven in each progressing through, it’s decidedly trickier. Take this, for example, binned off in fifth place:

Dinah Nah – One More Night

Tom: Where the hell have I heard that intro and chorus riff before? Some pop-dance song, certainly, but I’m damned if I can place it.

Tim: A few places, possibly – it’s a thoroughly modern sounding song, and solidly deserved at least an Andra Chansen place. I find when predicting the results that there’ll be one definitely finalist, a couple of “either final or Andra Chansen”, and a couple of “might just make it through”. This, I had in the middle category, and was AGHAST when some others got ahead of it. Like I said: it’s modern sounding, it’s sensible, and it’s fun.

Tom: Mm. I’m not sure about modern-sounding: for me, this sounds just a bit Balearic, the sort of thing that did very well in the early 2000s, had a bit of a resurgence a few years ago, and has now died out again.

Tim: Well, you could be right, but I was hearing more those distorted vocal samples and tropical beats placing it squarely around everybody’s favourite current dance trope.

Tom: I really don’t think it’s a Eurovision winner, and I think the audience probably made the right choice.

Tim: Oh now don’t say that. I don’t quite know that her outfit was the best choice for it – it certainly doesn’t really go with the song – but other than that, I don’t get what it did wrong.

Tom: I think it’s more that it didn’t get anything right. I mean, a rap middle eight? Really?

Tim: Oh well yes there is that.

Saturday Reject: Zühlke – Perfect Villain

“I feel this is going to be something of a running theme this year.”

Tim: Two years ago, I couldn’t watch Eurovision because of Radio 1’s Big Weekend, and I was a bit annoyed but not so much because it was largely ballads, following Conchita’s 2014 victory. This year may well be the first year ever that I just won’t be bothered to watch, as we’re jam packed with ballads – very, very, dreary ballads.

Tom: Of course we are: because Ukraine won.

Tim: Finland’s entry, favourite somehow of both the public and international juries, is no exception to this.

Tom: I let out an “ugh” half way through that and turned it off. It is a lovely song in isolation, and I can see why it won, but it’ll likely match all the others and just sink to the bottom.

Tim: Second place in both, though, was this vastly more acceptable entry.

Tim: Before you jump in: yes, the X-Men/kryptonite lyrics are awful (and not least because of the fact kryptonite would have no effect on X-Men whatsoever, even if it did exist in the same universe as them).

Tom: Okay, good, because I was about to take serious issue with that. I mean, that’s not even comic book nerdery, that’s anyone who’s seen a superhero movie in the last ten years.

Tim: And yes, those dancers in the background make no sense at all in any way. However – and I feel this is going to be something of a running theme this year – at least it’s active, it’s loud, there’s a beat to it, hell, there are proper explosions.

Tom: I don’t think it’d take victory, but at least it’d stand out.

Tim: It’s not perfect, I know – but it’s so, so much better. AAAARGH.

Saturday Reject: Salena Mastroianni – I Don’t Wanna Fight

“Fire them immediately.”

Tim: YES, it’s that time again – less than three months until Eurovision, so let’s have a rummage around the national competitions, see what Europe could have won. We’ll start with one from Britain, and you may remember when we reviewed our winner I said I was FUMING. To explain, I’ll show you Salena’s performance, as broadcast.

Tom: Wow. Tropical house synth patches near the start. That’s original and modern. And lyrics that’d have fitted in nicely as a parody of a Eurovision track. This is… pretty dire.

Tim: Well, you might say that – but I’d ask you to compare that with the studio version – most particularly, the backing levels. The broadcast is just SO, SO much weaker. This is a dance tune, the winner was a ballad, and yet the volume they were put out at was identical. Result: a cracking dance tune that sounded utterly lacklustre, and it’s just unforgivable.

Tom: As a bonus, that studio version means you don’t hear the live vocals, which… well, they weren’t quite studio quality, were they?

Tim: That is also something I’d give, particularly at the start. But the big thing is, in the venue everything was perfect, and the crowd adored it (as evidenced by the fact that the judge’s comments were inaudible due to the cheering after “do you think it’ll do well at Eurovision?”).

Tom: Wait, really? I’ve got a completely different opinion. This is a pretty mediocre song: dull lyrics, uninspired melody. Granted, in what’s probably going to be a Year of Ballads it’d do well, and the message might get a few points for politics. But even in the studio version, I… well, I’ll be honest, I just don’t like it.

Tim: Oh – well maybe I just got caught up in the mood and it was the best of a bad bunch. Listening again, though, I stand by this. And I don’t know who was responsible for sorting out the levels on the night, but I can’t help wondering if they’re the reason The Voice was so crap on the BBC. Fire them immediately.