Tag: Cher Lloyd

Cher Lloyd – Sirens

“Light years away from the dodgy pseudo-rap she’s tried on the past.”

Tim: God only knows why, but Cher Lloyd has actually become somewhat successful over in America – if I had to guess, I’d say it’s because they didn’t see her personality on The X Factor (bit harsh, sorry).

Tom: I had to apologise for Cher Lloyd to an American friend of mine recently. What’s she got this time?

Tim: This, the lead track from her new album.

Tim: And actually, that’s why she’s successful. Isn’t it very Demi Lovato-esque indeed?

Tom: Good grief, yes. And it’s light years away from the dodgy pseudo-rap she’s tried on the past.

Tim: So much so that I do often think it’s going to splurge off into Skyscraper at one point in the chorus. It’s not all that surprising – if you’re going to model yourself after a young female pop star, Demi’s a very good choice, and Cher was a featured artist on a track on Demi’s most recent album.

Tom: Oh! That’s some very good management work indeed.

Tim: What we have here is a vastly more mature track than the previous crap we’ve heard, and much as I’m surprising myself by saying this, I really like it. It’s not quite amazing, but there’s certainly a lot of potential, and it’s actually making me want to listen to her second album when it arrives in a month. I’m surprised, but I’m definitely not disappointed.

Cher Lloyd feat. Astro – Want U Back

Not terrible, but bloody hell does it annoy me.

Tom: Last time we didn’t like one of her tracks, Cher Lloyd’s Twitter army – the group of superfans that constantly check Twitter for mentions of her – noticed and decided to insult us back.

Well, brace yourself, Tim, ‘cos this is…

Tom: …huh. Not terrible, but bloody hell does it annoy me.

Tim: I tell you what annoys me – the apparent loathing she has for words that begin ‘yo’.

Tom: What, like U and Ur Hand?

Tim: Exactly like that. I didn’t mention it last time because I know it’s me being a pedantic arse, but really? It would be okay if it was remotely justified, but it seems more like ‘No, I just want to do my spelling with as few letters as possible.’ OK, Cher, 2 cn play @ that game.

Tom: Oh dear. Anyway, an instrumental version of this would be lovely, because everything in the background – even the bleep-bloop video-game synths – is excellent. But the frustrated noises? The repetitive vocals? The bits where she starts talking like she’s trying to be Nicki Minaj? The oh-so-cutesy video ending? They need to go. All of them.

Tim: If she wnts him bak, y iz she brakin his bak by scruing up his sk8bord trik? & hu wears 3D glasses lik that ne more?

Tom: …I’m not actually going to bother to read that.

Tim: Seriously? Do you know how hard it is typing like that? And you skip straight past it?

Tom: It wasn’t a conscious decision. My eyes just kind of skipped past it. Anyway, just so you know: Astro is younger than Justin Bieber.

Tim: I’ve got to be honest – I never found Justin Bieber all that annoying. His fans, sure, but not the guy himself.

Tom: Agreed – the kid’s got talent, as does Astro. It’s more of a realisation that he’s only just over half my age.

Tim: Well, I said I didn’t find Justin annoying – this Ascending Star™, as the video seems to want us to call him? Man, I want to punch him, with his stupidly over-sized peak on his cap.

Tom: I think the lesson here is that Cher Lloyd tracks are brilliant, apart from Cher Lloyd.

Tim: Oh, see now it’s the end of the review and so I probably ought to say something about the track, and the horrible thing is: I quite like it. Not the stupid rapping bit (is it rapping, or is he just throwing a tantrum?), but the rest of it I think is quite catchy, poppy and enjoyable. And now I hate myself. Thanks Tom. Thanks a lot.

Cher Lloyd feat. Mike Posner – With Ur Love

Sounds a bit like M.I.A.

Tom: Last time, as you’ll recall, she produced the most irritating record since the Fast Food Rockers. This time, she…

Tom: …sounds a bit like M.I.A.?

Tim: Her hairstyle makes it look like she’s had a close encounter with a lightsaber.

Tom: I mean, I’m stunned. It sounds good. It’s not irritating. It’s like she’s grown up and produced a decent second album, all in the space of a couple of months.

Tim: It is strange, because you’re right, this is quite listenable. Still not great, and if she wants to sound like M.I.A. she does still need the requisite weird sound effects replacing random words.

Tom: Mike Posner, as ever, appears to be a smug dick – but at least his contribution is brief. Does he have a sweater tucked into his trousers? Is he, in fact, Gyles Brandreth in disguise?

Tim: I don’t know, but I’d quite like to see him in Dictionary Corner. Don’t know why, though – just a weird image in my mind, really.

Tom: So here’s my question: is this actually good, or was the bar set so low that anything even half-decent, or quarter-decent, would impress me?

Tim: Both, I reckon. Although the da-da-da-da-dum-dum thing is a really crap ending.

Cher Lloyd – Swagger Jagger

Hahahahah. Wait, she’s serious, isn’t she?

Tom: Hahahahah. Heh. Ha. Wait, she’s serious, isn’t she?

Tim: What? Oh, no don’t make me listen to this more times than I need to, it’s bloody awful.

Tim: Right, well you can review this if you want, but I’m just going to suggest other tracks we’ve done, that our readers might prefer to listen to.

Hera Björk – Because You Can

Tom: An excellent track, far better than this. I’m calling it, right here: in a couple of weeks, Simon Cowell is going to hold a press conference where he reveals this was all just a joke, and he was trying to see just how far he could push the public.

Tim: Robyn – Call Your Girlfriend

Tom: Again, a good track. Meanwhile, Cher Lloyd is actually singing a nursery rhyme. And she’s not the Fast Food Rockers.

Tim: The Ark – Breaking Up With God

Tom: Deep and meaningful, yet still an excellent bit of music. Meanwhile, Lloyd’s lyrics – such as they are – preemptively mock anyone who calls it out as crap.

Tim: NEO – Underground

Tom: A wonderful track that I’d forgotten about. As for ‘Swagger’ – I’m telling you, Tim: someone, maybe the lyricist, maybe the composer, maybe the producer, but someone is chuckling to themselves ‘I can’t believe I’m getting away with this’.

Tim: Cheryl Cole – Promise This

Tom: Now that’s a terrible track – but it’s still better than this. But here’s the worst part: I’ve listened to this song once, only once, and the chorus is stuck in my head. It’s rare for me to actively hate a bit of music, but I hate this.