Tim: It’s Danny from The Voice, rapping!
Tom: Oh, blimey. I think you’d get more support if you said “It’s chlamydia!”.
Tim: You say that, and you’re probably right – the studio version’s fairly terrible; discussing that wouldn’t be nearly as much fun, though, as discussing last Friday’s live performance with Graham Norton, which can safely be described as horrifically terrible..
Tim: Now, let’s analyse quite how this was both the funniest and most awful thing on TV that week. Sure, there’s his ‘rapping’, whose agressive tone really, really doesn’t work with the nice guy image he worked up on The Voice.
Tom: At some point he turns into his own hype man too, as his guitarist takes over lead vocal duties, and he’s rejected to… well, dancer?
Tim: Well, exactly. Mostly it’s the, well, choreography, if you can call it that, because what a train wreck that was. Right from the start we have a dilemma in his mind: “should I use my arms as props and demo objects? Or should I wave them around to demonstrate emotion? Oh, bollocks, I’ve pretended I’ve got a tattoo now, so I’ll have to keep going with that, except there’s nothing in the rest of the song that really works like that. Can I grab the mike like I normally do? No, that’ll be obvious that I was unprepared. Well, I guess it’d better be emotion then. Let’s make it INTENSE. Oh, and here’s the chorus, phew! I can be a proper singer and hold the microphone. Hmm. Arms seem to have a habit of waving now; that’ll wear off, though.”
Tom: Hang on, readers, Tim’s off on one.
Tim: “Right, second verse, this isn’t me, I can stand back and relax. Aah, this is nice. OH SHIT, I’m the lead singer, of course I can’t bloody relax! What was I thinking?! Oh GOD, this is awful. Right, let’s just stand here and repeat some of the words for a bit, see if I can string that out. Yep, we’re okay. Although is this a bit dull? Erm, maybe I can wave a bit, and CLAPPING. That works! Right, still dull, I need to do something. I know, I’ll walk around a bit. Check on the drummer, how’s he do— yep, you’re fine. Bass guitar? Also good. Bit more clapping, then. Aaaand, here’s the chorus, made it. Jesus Christ, why did I ever do this. Oh GOD, and now my arms have got a life of their own, I CAN’T STOP THEM WAVING. HELP ME.”
Ladies and gentlemen, that was guest writer Danny from The Voice.
Tom: Thanks.
Tim: You’re welcome.