Tim: It’s an ambitious title for the new album’s lead single and film theme; are they genuinely claiming to be this good? (Spoiler: no.)
Tim: So, a song called Best Song Ever, and a video that may well make the shortlist for Worst Video Ever.
Tom: Crikey, that’s a video for the fans and no mistake. The actual track kicks in more than two minutes in. And, well, Zayn in drag is just confusing me.
Tim: Oh, well, what isn’t confusing about that? I will say, though, that they did a good make up job on Louis and Niall, so well done there. But as for the rest of it, man, what a group of utter arseholes they come across as.
Tom: I know, right? You ain’t Nirvana, and that ain’t your guitar.
Tim: OH, LOOK AT ME, I’M LIAM. I’M GOING TO KNOCK OVER A STATUE FOR NO REASON. OOH, LET’S ALL BE ROCK AND ROLL, LET’S CAUSE MEANINGLESS DESTRUCTION JUST BECAUSE WE CAN GET AWAY WITH IT. Spare a thought for the poor people whose desks you kicked over, possibly, or whose paperwork you threw all over the place? No, of course you didn’t. You’re too busy being SELFISH and FAMOUS and FRIENDS WITH JAMES CORDEN and TOTAL UTTER BELLENDS and now you’ve FORGOTTEN ABOUT THE LITTLE PEOPLE. You BIG GROUP OF DICKS.
Tom: As for the music…
Tim: Okay, I can calm down for the music. It’s a bit different, isn’t it?
Tom: Um. Not really? It sounds like most other One Direction tracks to me. And yet again, we’ve got someone ripping off Baba O’Riley for their intro! That’s more blatant than most.
Tim: Strange, isn’t it? I make that the third time we’ve seen that in barely a year. But if I were feeling charitable (a challenge, given the video), I’d say it’s less a rip-off but more an indicator of what’s coming up: we’ve (fortunately) left the intense boringness of Little Things far behind us, and instead have this, probably the most convincing sign yet that guitar music is on its way back. One Direction are going ROCK, and there’s nothing you can do to stop them.
Tom: I mean, theoretically there’s a great number of ways, but most of them will end up with jail time.
Tim: True, so let’s leave that thought there and move on. It’s apparently Harry’s favourite of all they’ve done, although on Radio 1 he was clear to point out that they’re not yet Slipknot, which probably doesn’t really need saying but there you go.
Tom: Oh, now that I want to see. One Direction putting on masks and shouting into mics. Yes please. I imagine it’d sound something like this. Or maybe this.
Tim: That Justin Bieber one is apparently not available to view on mobile devices, which makes me incredibly glad I’ve only got my phone with me right now. To aid One Direction in their journey, they’ve pulled together songwriters behind such rock and roll masterpieces as Westlife’s Flying Without Wings and Queen Of My Heart, and Kate Winslet’s What If, who have in fact done a rather good job with this.
Tom: As they should: One Direction’s management have their pick of tracks and songwriters right now. If they put out a dud, something’s gone very, very wrong.
Tim: The lyrics display a slight lack of memory – “I think it went oh-oh-oh, I think it went yeah-yeah-yeah” when clearly it doesn’t – but we can just put that down to how much fun can be had when dancing, and otherwise the lyrics are first rate – “her daddy was a dentist, said I had a dirty mouth”.
Tom: We have a completely different definition of “first rate”. And that autotune on “Georgia Rose” – 3:28 in the video – is abysmal.
Tim: Really? I can’t hear that. But anyway, combining those lyrics with the aforementioned rather good tune (and ignoring the abhorrent video), I’m all for this.