Mainstream – Page 87

Josh Groban – Hidden Away

Being bought for a lot of mums right now.

Tom: Now, I have a sneaking respect for Josh Groban. He knows his audience, he knows what music they like, and he’s not afraid to lampoon himself – see his appearance on Buzzcocks or his cameo in this, the best mock-charity-video ever.

It’s the run-up to Christmas, which means – of course – new album and new single to promote it.

Tom: So, here’s the Groban checklist:

Slow intro.
Steadily rising verse.
Vaguely positive lyrics.
Occasional breaks to falsetto.
Heartfelt but ultimately incredibly superficial music video.

Five for five. And I’ll bet the new album is being bought for a lot of mums right now.

Tim: Well, indeed – he fits in a not particularly large group of singers who pretty much exist to have their CDs bought for elderly relatives. Similar acts include Susan Boyle, Il Divo and Michael Bublé (although he’s become a bit more mainstream recently), and it’s a fairly good place to be: the people who buy your music probably won’t realise if you stopped being good three years ago, so you can’t really go wrong.

Saturday Flashback: X Factor Finalists 2008 – Hero

Lurking in the background.

Tim: It’s probably time we discussed this. We’ve referred to it briefly on a couple of occasions, and ever since then it’s been lurking in the background, waiting to rear its beautiful, graceful head.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8sOoTeprHiU

Tim: Now, I think this is marvellous.

Tom: It’s not beautiful, it’s not graceful, and it’s not marvellous.

Tim: It is, though. The emotion of the original is all there.

Tom: Yes, it is. Maudlin, saccharine emotion. Only this time, just in case it wasn’t drummed into you enough by the song, it’s backed up with Ken Burns Effect-photos of soldiers emoting. The only thing it’s missing is a big block of scrolling text which says “FEEL SAD NOW HURRRR”.

Tim: Oh, I have no problems whatsoever admitting the video is appalling – it is, by far, the worst thing about the song. It is the music where it shines, though, such as the key change – fairly impressive already in the original, here it’s been turned up to about 27. The only bad part of it is the vocals from Rachel at 2:33, which are just nasty, but they can be turned down a bit.

Tom: Musically, there’s nothing wrong with it. I’ll agree with that. It’s just so goddamned syrupy that it sends me into the musical version of hyperglycaemia.

Tim: Everything else? Brilliant, and I challenge you to provide an actual reason otherwise.

Tom: There’s a comment on YouTube from “PeterKaay94”, which says “How can you dislike this video? It’s for the armed forces you dicks.” I had a whole riff here about other fund-raising efforts that said commenter would then have to approve of, but frankly it just got a bit disrespectful so I’ve cut it.

Tim: Well as far as I’m concerned the cause has got nothing to do with it, and Mr 94 is speaking out of his arse. A song should stand out on its own merits, and being for charity should be no excuse whatsoever for weakness – JLS proved that.

Tom: Yes, it’s for a worthy cause, and yes, musically there’s nothing really wrong with it – but it just makes my skin crawl. That’s a reason.

Gorillaz feat. Daley – Doncamatic (All Played Out)

Generally un-notable electronica.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PwKcXfUmLkk

Tom: Ah, Gorillaz. Damon Albarn’s cartoon project is still going, and still producing generally un-notable electronica. Whatever the singles from ‘Plastic Beach’ were, I can’t remember them; and the only reason ‘Dare’ actually lodged itself in my head was because of Shaun Ryder’s vocals. So I shouldn’t have been disappointed by this, but nevertheless I was.

Tim: How on Earth has it managed to go on for longer than Blur did? Unjust universe, I tell you.

Tom: I hoped for another ’19-2000′ (and the Soulchild remix of it, at that). I set my sights too high. The instrumental bridge, with its two-instrument synth and percussion line, actually made me cringe as my ears tried to work out what was going on.

Tim: Yes. The first time I heard it, the first ‘Doncamatic’ made me think ‘Ooh, it’s Barbra Streisand’ all over again, albeit a not-as-good alternative. On the other hand, the chorus is quite nice, and a song made from the last minute or so might work quite well. It’s just a shame that the rest of it’s a bit pointless.

Tom: I’m going to go and listen to ‘Feel Good Inc’ again to try and get this out of my head. Wait… no need. It’s gone.

Pet Shop Boys – Together

The new one isn’t a classic.

Tom: I listened to this – and then immediately went and listened to ‘Go West’, which is actually good.

The Pet Shop Boys have the same approach as Pink – put loads and loads of stuff out, eventually you’ll have enough classics to do a medley at the Brits. There’s nothing wrong with that, it’s a good approach, but it does mean it’s a bit disappointing when the new one isn’t a classic.

Tim: True. However, I think one problem here is the whole absence makes the heart grow fonder thing, because I’ve just listened to the rest of their previous greatest hits album from 2003 – Since when they’ve apparently released two new albums and five singles. Nope, me neither.

Tom: I remember one album and one single. To be fair, Love Etc was a very good single.

Tim: Maybe, but the fact remains that the vast majority of their songs are nowhere near as good as Go West, and this song is in fact a lot better than most of them. Of course it’s not as good as Go West – the chances of that would be near zero. It is, on the other hand, still a good song and deserves to be judged on its own merits.

So, its merits. The song as a whole has a lot of energy and vibrancy to it – it’s somehow managed to stay in the style of music they’ve always been known for, yet not seem dated at all.

Tom: I’ll grant it that. It’s their style, and it doesn’t seem dated. But it also doesn’t seem to be much good: it just plods along.

Tim: There are elements of The Journey Continues to it, which was a pleasant enough tune, but one thing I’m not particularly keen on is the way it temporarily ends after the first verse.

Tom: I’m not keen on that either. The ‘temporary’ part, I mean.

Tim: Overall, however, I think it rates as perhaps not excellent, but certainly jolly good, and it wouldn’t surprise me if it ended up on a few people’s ‘Top however many Most Played’ playlists.

Tom: Somewhere near Pink’s latest track.

Sunday Girl – Stop Hey

Use your lungs, Sunday Girl!

Tim: Now, something British. To be more specific, ‘Stop Hey’ by Sunday Girl.

Tom: Ooh, that starts well.

Tim: Indeed – the intro for this is very very promising. Unfortunately, the rest isn’t quite as great, although I still like it. I prefer it to a lot of the other Eliza Doolittle/Diana Vickers/Lily Allen stuff that’s around at the moment, mainly because there’s still quite a bit of energy to it, for the most part.

Tom: A decent bit of synth work in the background, as well. Unlike Eliza Doolittle and her ilk, though, she’s doing the ‘high pitched breathy’ voice – and with very rare exceptions, that just seems frustrating to me. This is not one of those exceptions. Use your lungs, Sunday Girl!

Tim: Three things about the video:

it’s not for cat people
that umbrella looks ridiculously flimsy, and doesn’t she know it’s bad luck to open one indoors?
you can distract yourself from the boring bit before the bridge by imagining what it would sound like if she inhaled the helium from every single one of those balloons.

Tom: My word, that’s a sad looking dog. Must have listened to the record a few times.

Shakira feat. Dizzee Rascal – Loca

They’re going through the motions rather than actually having fun.

Tom: I saw the artists’ names and immediately thought “hell yes”. The woman who sang the best-selling song of the 21st century so far, and the best British rapper ever? (Don’t argue. I’ve seen him live, and I’ve never seen a crowd get quite so excited.)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bqmbvKuhig8

Tom: It’s a typical Latin-influenced track, with singing from Shakira and verses from Mr. Rascal (as he’s formally known).

Tim: He actually is.

Tom: That’s what you’d expect from a collaboration like this – and there’s even a point where they trade lines as well. But what’s missing seems to be the energy. It almost seems like they’re going through the motions rather than actually having fun recording it.

Tim: One of the problems is that for the most part, Shakira’s getting through so many words that she’s practically unintelligible, so I have no idea what the song’s about. That was particularly the case when Dizzee was talking about feeling ‘el presidente’, and I spent a good couple of minutes wondering what orange juice had to do with anything, before I realised I was thinking of Del Monte.

There’s one time you can definitely understand her though, and it leads to a question I have long wanted to know the answer to: what is it with rappers and wanting to be called ‘daddy’ (or, in this case, ‘papi’)? It’s just plain weird, but it’s all over the place – Usher’s particularly guilty of it. Since when did incest become attractive?

If I was a girl, and my boyfriend said that to me, I would say to him, ‘Okay, I’ll call you daddy, but only if you call me mummy,’ and then I’d watch him run screaming from the room.

Tom: That’s a mental image that’s going to stay with me for a while.

Anyway, the lack of enthusiasm’s the same in the video – him and her have blatantly been filmed separately, perhaps even on different continents with the help of some bluescreen.

Tim: Actually, that is one heck of a distracting video, for a blindingly obvious reason.

Tom: Well, yes, I think anyone who…

Tim: …and that is Shakira’s attitude towards basic safety practices.

Tom: Wait, what?

Tim: She wears kneepads when she’s rollerblading in her very small amount of clothing – looks a bit odd, but it’s okay because it’s demonstrating good procedure for any children watching. However, then she goes on a motorbike without any real torso protection and no sign of any helmet (which is almost certainly illegal, by the way). Totally mixed messages.

Tom: How well will the American market react to “that girl is a nutter” being in there? No idea, but I hope it helps Mr. Rascal crack America. He deserves it.

Shayne Ward – Gotta Be Somebody

He clearly thinks he’s gone back in time five years

Tim: Shayne Ward’s BACK! apparently. Well, that’s what he said on The X Factor on Sunday, so it must be true. Here he is with his very own version of Nickelback’s Gotta Be Somebody.

Tom: Otherwise known as every Nickelback song ever.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lpkdvhRHLho

Tom: The autotune on that is actually offensive. When used properly, it can be a decent effect. That’s just horrible.

Tim: Now, he clearly thinks he’s gone back in time five years, because let’s be frank: this is not just a song from an X Factor winner – it is an X Factor Winner’s Song:

Cover of a fairly well known song.
A quiet start then kicking in a little bit halfway through the first verse.
Good chorus, leading out to a second verse with considerably more energy than the first.
Nice bit of calm in the bridge.
Musical exposion to follow.

You may doubt this formula, especially parts two and three, but check any one you want. All it’s missing is Dermot in the video yelling his name.

As a winner’s song. it’s not bad. Decent source material helps, nice bit of synth work in the background brings it up to date.

Tom: I really dislike this, because it’s got the major-key chord structure that forces my brain to get enthusiastic about it. Like you say, it is a Winner’s Song, and for that reason I hate it.

Tim: As an actual song, well, it’s still not bad, but it sure as hell isn’t good. It’s just formula, and isn’t remotely exciting. Even in the loud ending he doesn’t seem particularly energetic – it’s as if he went into a studio and said, ‘This sort of worked last time, let’s have another go. It’ll be something to pass the time.’

Tom: I think that’s the damned autotune.

Tim: Normally, a song like this would have four months of two hour weekly TV adverts, and so success is a given, deserved or otherwise, because it’s been implanted in the nation’s brain. This hasn’t, and so doesn’t get a free pass.

Tom: I’m about to say something that I don’t think has ever been said before: the Nickelback version is better.

Tim: Problem with the video: there is no way Shayne Ward has a stalker willing to take 230 pictures of him.

OMD – Sister Marie Says

I didn’t expect to see a Catholic schoolgirl being beaten in the street.

Tom: Advance warning: this is not a happy video. I’d recommend listening to the song on its own first before watching the full video, because for once the pictures really do put the song in a different light.

Tom: Now, as I said last time we talked about OMD: I’m a fan. The overblown synth melodies, the production, everything. I’m still slightly bitter that I missed the chance to see them headline at the National Museum of Computing in Bletchley Park a few months ago. When I first heard this, I thought “this sounds a bit like old OMD”, and it turns out that I’m right; this track was written in 1981, meant to be released in 1996 but scrapped, brought out as a free download in 2007 and now, finally, it’s the second single off the new album.

This one doesn’t have the triumphant overtones of ‘If You Want It’, and if I’m honest the loud whispering vocal line starts to grate by the end of it. The generic, religious lyrics I can take or leave too – but the operatic bridge and the exit from it are great, elevating it above regular ‘album track’ status.

Tim: My thoughts as I heard this:

0:03 – Ooh, I like this.
0:30 – Ooh, I really like this.
1:03 – Seriously? This is your verse?
1:28 – Hooray, the fun stuff’s back.
1:43 – Do we have to have another verse?
2:11 – Yes. Not long now.
3:05 – This build-up had better be worthwhile.
3:10 – Yes!…although it’s actually just the same as before.
3:22 – Okay, this is definitely Good.

Just a shame about the verses, really.

Tom: The video, though. Well, I was expecting some religious symbolism in there, but after last time I was expecting dancers, high-powered lights and meaningless abstract themes. I didn’t expect to see a Catholic schoolgirl being beaten in the street.

Tim: Yeah, although to be honest it just confuses me – we see her getting beaten up, but it seems as though she started it, which slightly ruins it. Is the idea that an alcoholic mother and boyfriend who leaves her when she says no is enough to start a fight? I don’t know, really, and if I’m honest I don’t like it at all.

Katy Perry – Firework

It goes somewhere mediocre.

Tom: All right, it’s new Katy Perry track time. She’s got a fine way with earworms, so let’s see if this one’s just as catchy. It’s called ‘Firework’, but irritatingly it’s not released until the 15th November, far too late for Bonfire Night. Sort it out, Perry.*

* Incidentally, I would watch a show called “Katy Perry Mason”. Probably just the once.

Tom: It starts well, builds and builds, and just as you’re thinking “this has to go somewhere amazing”… it goes somewhere mediocre. This isn’t a summer hit, or even a ‘Teenage Dream’, and no number of string instruments in the chorus will help that.

Tim: The main problem is that the build-up is actually part of the chorus, so it actually disappoints three or four times throughout.

Tom: Sounds like a girl I knew once.

She’s also doing that thing where she just sings syllables rather than words, which is now starting to irritate the hell out of me. And the bridge is appalling – “boom boom boom / moon moon moon”? That’s scarcely Vengaboys-quality.

Tim: It is something Olly Murs could do worse than to take as an example. Just saying.

Tom: If ever there was a song in desperate need of a final-chorus key change, this is it – because it runs out of ideas about a minute in.

Tim: True. However, the lack of ideas does lead to repetition, which means that by the end of the song, ‘fiiiiiiiirewooooooorks’ has worked its way in and is almost enjoyable.

Tom: I wouldn’t go that far.

Pink – Raise Your Glass

There are many things wrong with this.

Tom: Stop everything. It’s a new Pink single.

(alternate link)

Tom: I’ll freely admit to being a Pink fan. I saw her perform live at the Wireless Festival, and it was one of the best shows I’ve seen. She sang, quite clearly live, while spinning on aerial silks without a safety net. In her grand finale, she swooped above the crowd on a custom-designed winched harness. It was brilliant.

This new single? Well, there are many things wrong with this. It starts slowly, and the verses – with sparse kick drum and guitar behind them – feel like they need a lot more. The lyrics irritate me: “what’s the deal-i-o”, “if you’re too school for cool”, and “don’t be fancy / just get dancey” are all dire. And the spoken mock-interjections that she’s prone to will grate more and more every time I hear it, like the horrible ‘check my flow / uh’ that blights the middle of ‘So What’.

Tim: I don’t mind most of those things, although you’re definitely right about fancy/dancey, and the interjections do go on a bit. My main issue, though, is that there’s not enough singing in it – the chorus is okay, but the verses seem to have only a very vague sense of tune, with her voice hardly varying and it just seems like a half-hearted rap that she can’t really be bothered with.

Tom: But the chorus… well, the chorus nearly makes up for it. A stadium crowd chanting ‘Raise your glass’ all at once will make this song worthwhile – but this definitely ain’t another ‘U + Ur Hand’.

Tim: No – although looking at her past efforts she does seem to go for quantity over quality, hoping that some will stick. Of the twenty six songs she’s put out over the past ten years, I think I like about seven, yet I would still say I like her music. She’ll come out with a good one soon enough.

As for that video: I think – I think – she might be trying to tell us something, and that maybe everybody’s different and it’s a good thing. That’s just a guess, though – it might be something else completely. Oh wait, actually, no it isn’t something else. And she’s not telling us, she’s SCREAMING IT AT US UNTIL WE BLOODY WELL LISTEN.

On the other hand, getting annoyed with the whole PSA-ness of it all does make it a little easier to listen to the song.