Annikafiore – Forbidden Love

She’s ruined that wedding dress.

Tim: An interesting take on two blokes fighting for a lady’s attention, and a rather nice tune on the back of it. While it’s true that the end bit doesn’t add anything that wasn’t there previously, it doesn’t matter, because it sets the perfect contrast between most of the song and the Florence-and-the-Machine-esque bridge. (The first part of that, incidentally, reminds me slightly of Red Carpet Extend-O-Matic from the World of Goo soundtrack.)

Tom: Two main thoughts from that video: “she’s ruined that wedding dress” and “ooh, nice dynamic type in the credits”. Those don’t really reflect well on the song.

I know it’s meant to be sung like that, but she sounded out-of-tune, almost like she’s not putting the effort in to hit the notes. The official song of Copenhagen Pride? It’s no Friðrik Ómar track, that’s for sure.

Tim: No, it isn’t Friðrik Ómar, because it’s a completely different type of track – his was party party party, sod any form of meaningful lyrics, whereas hers is all about, well, Forbidden Love, we’re gay, get over it: ‘we’ll love how we want, our time has just begun‘ … ‘don’t taste like forbidden, just tastes like love‘. Two pride stereotypes – partying vs political – and each will appeal to a different group. Personally, I prefer this one – there’s enough danciness in it for some decent remixes to hit the clubs, and there are sure as hell no Lazytown lyrics in there.

Tom: She has completely ruined that wedding dress though.

Mungo Jerry v Bluestone feat. Skibadee – In The Summertime

A soul-draining three minutes of noise.

Tom: It’s time for the worst song of the summer! Actually, that’s an overstatement, nothing could beat that Peter Dickson atrocity, but it comes pretty close.

Tom: If you’re a certain age, then there’s one thing that Mungo Jerry’s “In The Summertime” will remind you of: don’t drink and drive public service announcements. This new version has creatively removed that lyric by putting a dodgy rap over the top of it. “Everybody loves summertime” has to be one of the most insipid lyrics I’ve heard in a long while. Oh, and stop giving yourself shoutouts, people. You’re not famous enough to do that without sounding like a tit.

Tim: My very first thought when this started playing was ‘ooh, this is like Barbie Girl.’ Then it turned out it wasn’t in the slightest, and it all went downhill from there.

Tom: Why are they releasing this in early September, otherwise known as “the start of autumn”?

Tim: It is a bit odd. It might just be me, but a load of songs seem to be like that this year. Alexandra Burke’s was all summery, Inna’s tune would normally have been released mid-June, and there’s this, a dance tune that’s still just on the verge of arriving and continues the season’s weird instrument trend by including a pipe organ.

Tom: Did Mungo Jerry need auto-tuning? No, he didn’t. Did he actually need to turn up for the video? Well, I suspect he needed the money. Speaking of the video, let’s deconstruct this for a minute. First of all, Bluestone is the spitting image of Nathan Barley – I think it’s the glasses – which really set me against him from the start. I realise that’s slightly hypocritical coming from a twenty-something middle-class white guy who’s living in London and earning his living doing web stuff, but there you go.

Second up: panning to the rest of the studio and then flash-cutting so the crew become attractive and female? That’s one of the most insidiously sexist music videos I’ve seen in a long time – it’s not just “look at these attractive women“, it’s “oh wow women can be technical crew! Wait, no they can’t, come out here and dance, ladies“.

Tim: You’re complaining about sexism in the video – did you listen to the lyrics? This is a, well, song, for want of a better word, containing the lines:

When the sunshine come out, the best girls come out,
Chicks dress to impress, like whoa.

So, umm, yeah. I’ll be honest: I don’t think this song has any redeeming features whatsoever. Part of me hopes it actually is some sort of Nathan Barley spin-off in disguise, because at least then there would be an excuse for its existence. As it is, it’s just a soul-draining three minutes of noise.

Jedward – All The Small Things

He’s used “J to the E to the D”, he doesn’t get a second chance.

Tom: Now I’ve got two problems with this.

Tim:Only two?

Tom: Yeah, and strangely, Jedward himself is not one of them.

First of all: it’s the banter. I know they’re a novelty act, but songs should not have banter in the middle of them. It didn’t work for Gareth Gates and the Kumars, it won’t work now.

Tim: True. Is that in the actual song as well, or just the video?

Tom: I’m not going to buy it to find out. He’s used “J to the E to the D”, he doesn’t get a second chance.

Second problem: I can’t tell the difference between this and the Blink 182 version. Or, rather, between this and a cheap rip-off version from a £2 supermarket “compilation” CD. There is nothing, absolutely nothing, new here at all.

Tim: That does, on the other hand, mean that if they stop doing covers they might, at some point in the distant future, pass as something more than a novelty.

Tom: Fortunately, I’ve got an alternative. I defy you to listen to this without starting to sway when the slow bit that builds up to the chorus kicks in.

Tim: You waited until the chorus?

Rick Astley – Lights Out

Play two copies one frame apart next to each other, you get Rick Astley in 3D. No kidding.

Tom: How did we miss this?! Martijn emailed us this, and said “…it’s a Rick Roll. But modern. And awesome.”

Tom: It’s a damn good tune, although it has that ‘in one ear, out the other’ quality; I can’t remember any of the lyrics or even much of the melody even having listened to it a couple of times. Is it listenable? Sure. It is playlistable? Absolutely. Is it a classic? No. Does it need one big ‘oomph’ moment, drums kicking in and ever guitar wailing, when he comes back from the bridge? Yeah, it really does. But never mind: it’s a new Rick Astley single! I wonder if he’d be putting this single out if it hadn’t been for the internet deciding to adore him?

Tim: If I was a little less sensible, I would write ‘Are you sure you’ve got the right video?’ Because this is very definitely not ‘Rick Astley off of Never Gonna Give You Up’. This is an actual modern song – hell, in the video he barely looks old enough to have made songs 25 years ago.

Tom: I swear the man has, up in his attic, a painting of himself that’s steadily getting older.

Tim: If he’s planning a comeback, this is a Good Thing To Do*, because it means he’s brought out a song that mum and dad can listen to and think back to the good old days while the teenage kid hears it playing downstairs and thinks, ‘Ooh, I like this.’ He’s popular with the grown-ups, and the teenager has to work out how he can still be cool if he likes his parents’ music.

Anyway, ‘modern’ isn’t much to say about a track, so here’s something else: like you say, it’s not particularly memorable, but the chorus has a good build-up during it. Or at least, I remember thinking it did, but it’s now been ten minutes since I heard it and I actually can’t really remember how the build-up went. Not at all memorable, then, I suppose. I do remember that I liked it, though, and that’s what mostly matters.

* See also Take That: compare 1995’s How Deep Is Your Love with 2006’s Patience.

Tom: As for the video: they have a Steadicam and they’re not afraid to use it. Is it a callback to Never Gonna Give You Up? Who knows. That constant rotation means, though, that if you play two copies of the video one frame apart next to each other, you get Rick Astley in 3D. No kidding. It’s actually a really convincing effect.

I Am Kloot – Proof

Sit back, put it on full screen, and watch it.

Tom: Right, a word of advice before this one: just watch it. Sit back, put it on full screen, and watch it. Don’t read the rest of this. Go. Do it now. I’ll wait.

Tom: It’s not really a notable song – it’s a nice twangly bit of guitar and some well-meaning lyrics – but like, say, all of OK Go’s music, it’s completely redeemed by the video. I simply couldn’t help breaking into an enormous grin along with him.

Tim: You’re right about the smile – it just sort of happened with me. Awww.

Tom: Our Doctor Who correspondent, Gary, adds: “That’s just CCTV footage of Eccleston waking up, speeded up 50x. His alarm goes off at 7 but he’s not even vertical till twenty past Jeremy Kyle.”

Tim: I’d love it if I woke up like that every day, although probably not slowed down to 1/50 of the speed.

Tom: And that seems to be real-time footage of Christopher Eccleston: he’s not in slow motion, he’s just that good an actor. Anyway, the song’s re-released on download only today.

Saturday Flashback: BWO – Right Here Right Now

The lead singer’s wearing a lab coat in the video?

Tim: Swedish band, had a vague hit in the dance area over here a few years back with ‘Temple of Love‘.

Tom: So the lead singer’s wearing a lab coat in the video, and the album’s called “Big Science”? That sounds promising.

Tim: Yes, and for the most part it’s bloody awesome. And regarding the lead singer: he’s off of Sweden’s Popstars.

Tom:I’m actually finding very little wrong with this. Bit of a clichéd “talky bit in the middle before the bridge”, but it’s made up for by BEARDED BACKING SINGER.

Tim: Doesn’t he look absolutely terrifying? It’s amazing.

Tom: It’s even got a dum-dee-dee-da at the end! Hear this, Robyn? THIS is how “Dancing On My Own” should have been. It’s a textbook Swedish pop song, but there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s not going to be stuck in my head or anything, but I’d be happy with this popping up on shuffle.

Tim: As an aside, that whole album‘s pretty good if you want to check it out at some point.

Time passes…

Tom: What the hell? With the exception of the main vocal line, Love Came Crashing Down is Beggin’. Either the Madcon version or the Frankie Valli version.

Tim: Just played them chorus after chorus, and yes, I concede a similarity. Not so much that it’s the same song, though, but yes there is quite a resemblance. The one thing that does really annoy me about the album, though, is the massive similarity between Singing in my Car and Kings of Tomorrow.

Peter Dickson and The Shakettes – Shake It

“Shoddily produced, cynically designed rubbish.” – Tom / “Fantastic.” – Tim

Tim: The X Factor started up again last week. Question: when you think ‘X Factor’, what are the next two words that pop into your head?

Tom: “Not again”?

Tim: That’s right: ‘Voiceover Man’. Because the show would be NOTHING without his ‘IT’S TIME. TO FACE. THE MUSIC.’ and various other shouty bits. But did you know that voiceover work isn’t all he does? Oh, no.

Tom: Well, he’s done a comedy bit: IT’S TIME. TO TASTE. THE MUESLI. I mean, he’s got one shtick, but he does it well.

Tim: He also makes milkshakes in his spare time:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QUKs9KjdRe8

Tom: Oh no. No, no, no. No, I’m not watching that.

Tim: Now first off it should be pointed out that this is very definitely not a bringing-all-the-boys-to-the-yard milkshake – it’s a nice tasty innocent frothy milkshake, with fruit or chocolate or some other yummy stuff in it. But, well, we’ve got to shake it. And shake it we will.

Tom: I can’t even get past one second of this. Why? Because it’s wrong on several levels. And I don’t mean that in a laughing, ‘ha ha this is wrong’ way, I mean in a ‘this is contributing to the decline of civilisation’ way. It’s a jingle, a commercial radio jingle, three soul-destroying minutes long. Every second of this is an advert, and you’re willingly listening to it.

Tim: The thing (that shouldn’t really need saying) about this is that it’s not really a music track that they’ve come up with a dance for. It’s a collection of dance moves with music added later. That’s definitely not a bad thing – YMCA, the Cha-Cha Slide and the Macarena were all very enjoyable, and we all look forward to the wedding DJ putting on the Timewarp. So: what’s the dance like?

Tom: I don’t care. Every viewer we send their way is contributing to some despicable advertising executive going ‘ha ha, look at all the people who’ve watched this, we should do this again.’ It’s shoddily produced, cynically designed rubbish.

Tim: It’s fantastic. Lengthy, but that’s not a problem – part of the fun of knowing the Saturday Night routine is smirking quietly at the people that don’t, but decide to have a go anyway and then desperately try to work out why the hell they seem to be a beat out of time with everyone else. Especially since, in this song, he tells you what to do for most of it, so you’ll be able to get together with others in the know and laugh at how everyone else must be real morons.

Tom: “Hello, this is Peter Dickson. I’m not in at the moment, but whatever it is I’ll do it.”

Tim: Best of all: it also teaches you how to make a milkshake! So we have smugness and cookery tips all in one – what else do you need?

Tom: A Molotov cocktail and the address of whichever PR company put this abomination together.

Tim: IT’S TIME. TO DANCE. AND I WILL BE…

Tom: Laughing merrily as Advertising, fifth horsemen of the apocalypse, rides over the blood-soaked hillside with his Scythe-o-Matic 6000 glistening in the red, swollen sunlight of the end times?

Tim: …DANCING. You know, you’ve really developed a snarky side recently.

Taylor Swift – Mine

Tom has just discovered how to be a complete dick at karaoke.

Tom: Taylor Swift’s new single leaked online the other week, and was swiftly released properly in response. It’s just hit the US Billboard charts, and no doubt it’ll be over on these shores sooner or later; the official video just came out, too.

In related news, I have just discovered how to be a complete dick at karaoke. Here is the karaoke backing track for Love Story by Taylor Swift: your challenge is to sing You Belong With Me over the top of it. Provided you nail the key change at the end, and can deal with the harmony singer on the backing track throwing you off, they fit perfectly.

Tim: Oh, you and your… you-ness. Good work. You been doing karaoke?

Tom: If by “karaoke” you mean “singing along too loud while wearing headphones” then yes. The two songs have the same structure and same chords.

The new one’s got roughly the same structure, but then so does every schlager song in existence. At least it sounds a bit different, even if it’s the same “oh look, we’re in love, and despite some setbacks we’re still in love at the end” that describes most of her songs.

Tim: In a similar vein, did you know Tik Tok and California Gurls are the same song?

Tom: Not surprising – they’re by the same producer.

Tim: Do we need to bother reviewing Mine? It’s absolutely nothing special at all: if people liked Love Story and You Belong With Me they’ll like this as well, and if they didn’t they won’t. I think we should leave the summing up for YouTube commenter MoonfulBlue, who seems to live in her own little world of fluffy bunnies and pink clouds, but has an appropriate take on Taylor Swift’s music:

‘I love how Taylor’s songs always talk about things in life that could actually happen and they don’t talk about drugs/sex/violence and instead, love is in place.’

Drifters – Sha La Lie

Utterly delightful.

Tim: You have almost certainly not heard Ik Ben Verliefd (Sha-la-lie) by Sienke, the rather jolly and pleasant Dutch entry to this year’s Eurovision Song Contest that entirely failed to qualify for the final. This is not important; what is important is that you now hear the cover of it by Swedish dansband Drifters, which is even more jolly and even more pleasant, to the extent of being utterly delightful.

Tom: Oh, that deserves to be played at every wedding disco in Sweden. Does Sweden have wedding discos?

Tim: I think if any country can do a good wedding disco, that country is Sweden.

Tom: It’s proper 80s-Eurovision, that is. It’s even got the plinky-plonky piano improvisation going on in the background. But it was rightly rejected – the contest isn’t about that any more. (Are you listening, BBC?)

Tim: That deserves repeating. DEAR BBC: EUROVISION IS ABOUT DECENT MUSIC. NOT PETE SHITTING WATERMAN.

Tom: Yes, that is his middle name.

Album Review: Darin – Lovekiller

Tom’s unleashed Tim to tell you everything about it, vaguely quickly.

Tim:Tom’s let me loose on this fine Sunday to tell you all about this album, because we love Darin here. His only condition was that it be vaguely quick, so here’s a crap gimmick to show how modern we are here: every track review is less than one tweet long. Let’s see how it goes.
Darin - Lovekiller

1 – Microphone: Excellent and vibrant start. Could work as a good career launching track, which vaguely makes sense given the change of direction he’s made. 9/10
2 – You’re Out of My Life: Less extravagant but very enjoyable. Comes with a key change that, if sung on the X Factor, would trigger spark fountains. 8/10
3 – Lovekiller: In case enough hasn’t been said already, this is sodding awesome, and is what all future pop songs should be judged against. 12/10
4 – Only You Can Save Me: Continuing the energetic theme, with an unsettlingly sudden bridge. Part of me is now hoping the album will calm down at some point. 8/10
5 – Drowning: Well, it’s not going to happen any time soon. It’s beginning to sound a bit formulaic. Good formulaic, but still a bit tiring. 7/10
6 – Viva la Vida: The first thing that’s stood out as different. Very dancable with a great chorus, although it goes on quite a bit longer than it needs to. 7/10
7 – Endless Summer: Ooh, this is proper different; a bit like Westlife’s musical evolution compressed into three minutes. Still plenty of Darin, though. 6/10.
8 – OK (Dangerous Game): Is to the first few tracks what new Mcfly is to old McFly. Odd use of stereo; ‘Ooh, this is fun’ quickly becomes ‘Oh God please stop it’. 8/10
9 – Can’t Stop Love: Written for a recent Swedish royal wedding, but quickly leaves ballad territory and becomes, well, pretty much like the first five tracks. 7/10
10 – I’ll Be Alright: If each track’s a runner in a race for best tune, here’s the quadriplegic the producer took pity on and allowed to enter. AWFUL FINAL TRACK. 2/10
11 – Lovekiller (Acoustic, iTunes bonus): They chucked out the backing singers, but forgot that after the bridge they’re the only singers, so he’s howling all alone. Doesn’t work. 3/10

tl;dr: Largely formulaic, but in a very good way. 8/10 – would have been a 9 if they’d lost the last two songs.

If this has tempted you, you can get it on iTunes if you’ve got a Swedish bank account or 7digital if you live in Sweden (or can find a Swedish proxy).