The Saturdays – Higher

‘Very good’ becomes ‘flipping awful’

Tim: This here is the upcoming single from The Saturdays, and it’s more or less very good. The intro makes it sound a bit dodgy, but forty seconds in the chorus hits and it becomes amazing.

Tom: I’d say it becomes mediocre. It’s not got the bounce of ‘Up’, or even what passed for soulfulness in Issues (a song that will, for complicated reasons, always be associated with chlamydia testing in my head).

Tim: Um, thanks for sharing. Erm…sorry, I have completely forgotten what I was saying. Oh, right, the song. Yes. The autotune’s a bit thick for my liking, but the ‘lift it, lift it higher’ is too good for something like that to pull it down. The bridge fits nicely as well, providing a nice bit of calm after a loud chorus before building the final. All round: jolly good.

HOWEVER, all is not jolly good. Because what I have done, rather cheekily, is shown you the album version of the song.

Tom: Oh, snap.

Tim: The single version is here, and it’s flipping awful. The reason for this makes himself known approximately three seconds in. Now, I have made my distaste for Flo Rida clear on quite a few occasions, but it’s only now we can get a proper contrast between a song with him and one without him. And my God, is there a contrast.

Tom: Oh, no. I’m backing out of this. I know what’s coming here.

Tim: He craps all over the aforementioned rather pleasant bridge, which is bad enough, but to top it all off he does that stupid shout out thing at the start (which, given the five-strong band, ends up sounding more like a school register), and then puts himself first.

Right, let me make this clear. In capital letters, because that might be more effective. FLO RIDA, YOU ARE IN THERE FOR PRECISELY TWENTY FOUR SECONDS. THAT’S 12% OF THE SONG. YOU DO NOT GET TOP BILLING, YOU UTTER SHITE.

Tom: …you done?

Tim: Ahem. Okay, I’ll be a bit more rational. You may say, ‘Tim, you could look past the autotune, and that’s there for a lot more than 24 seconds. Why can’t you just look past him, or even just temporarily mute it like you do for granny-mugger-but-somehow-sob-story Rachel’s appalling bit in the otherwise excellent Hero?’

Tom: Did you just call that version of ‘Hero’ excellent? Really? I know it’s well-meaning and noble and all that, but excellent?

Tim: The key change. Just, the key change. But excuse me, you’ve cut me off mid-rant, and I don’t appreciate it.

Tom: Sorry. Why can’t you look past it?

Tim: I don’t know. His presence just somehow drags the whole thing down, because I know he’s there in the background. The small amount of ‘crap R&B’ness that was there – the autotune, the intro that wasn’t great to start with – somehow gets amplified and the song as a whole is just ruined. THIS SUCKS.

Tom: To be fair, it was doing a good job of that anyway.

Tim: Wow. I haven’t got that angry in quite some time. Feels quite good, actually.

Hera Björk – Because You Can

I WILL LEARN HOW TO FLY. AND MY GLOW WILL BE RELEASED.

Tim: THIS. IS. BRILLIANT. It’s the new single from the lady who did the also, but not quite as, excellent Je Ne Sais Quoi for Iceland at Eurovision this year. Stylistically, it’s not far removed from Malena Ernman with a mix of dance and opera (or that Charlotte Church track, come to think of it).

Tom: And it’s a style I very much like. When it finally kicks in properly, a minute in? That’s glorious.

Tim: The first few seconds remind me a bit of My Heart Will Go On. (Still love that song, don’t care what you say.)

Tom: Yes, well, we all have our crosses to bear.

Tim: The verses are great, and the final few notes in them as they build to the chorus are utterly fantastic. The bridge is entirely wonderful, the vocal and the instrumentation going unexpectedly yet perfectly together, and demonstrating one hell of a vocal range.

Tom: Couldn’t agree more.

Tim: And then there’s the chorus. And oh. Oh, boy. What a chorus it is. What a chorus.

“Take the chance you’ll never know”

YES. YES, HERA, I WILL. EVEN THOUGH I DON’T KNOW WHAT IT IS I WILL DO IT. BECAUSE YOU ARE USING THIS SONG TO TELL ME TO DO IT.

“Fly, release your inner glow”

I WILL LEARN HOW TO FLY. JUST FOR YOU, I WILL LEARN. AND MY GLOW WILL BE RELEASED.

Tom: …

Tim:

“There is no-one in your way, trust that you will be okay”

I WILL BE OKAY. YOU HAVE ASSURED ME, HERA, AND RIGHT NOW I TRUST YOU MORE THAN I TRUST ANYONE.

“Take a chance, take your future by the hand”

FUTURE! COME HERE! HERA HAS ORDERED IT AND SHE MUST BE OBEYED.

“Because you can.”

YES! YES I CAN! DAMMIT, I CAN DO ANYTHING! I LOVE YOU HERA. I REALLY REALLY LOVE YOU. THERE, I’VE SAID IT.

Tom: I’ll leave you two alone. Tim Jeffries there, ladies and gentlemen.

Europlop’s Sunday Mashups: Vol. 1

These past few weeks have been very good for mashups.

Tom: These past few weeks have been very good for mashups, so here are a few genius ones for you, starting with proof, if proof were needed, of just how good Lady Gaga is: her songs can be mashed up with nearly anything and still sound fantastic:

Monster Never Can Say Goodbye by marcjohnce-1

Tom: This is by Marc Johnce, and it combines moderately-good album track “Monster” with the Communards’ lesser hit “Never Can Say Goodbye” to create something amazing. Her modern, solo vocals over the top of eighties guitars and drums make something more than the sum of their parts.

Tim: First off, definitely no proof needed, and how can you even entertain the possibility that it might be? As for the track, it’s nice. One of the highest compliments I can pay is that I didn’t mind that it was quite long, and wasn’t hurrying it on to finish, because that’s ever so unusual on any track longer than four minutes.

Tom: Secondly, I know that this involves listening to the military-grade tactical nuclear earworm that is Katy Perry, but it’s worth it. This starts as a simple “take the lyrics from one song, add the backing from another” formulaic, and THEN Van Halen arrive. And THEN the beat kicks in.

Tom: This is one of those mashups that you can listen to for more than novelty value. And I know it’d never happen, but I’d love to see this played live.

Tim: This is Good, and something I can absolutely imagine Glen off of Tru pretending he made*. Yes, it takes a while to get going, but when it gets going it’s worth the wait. It pleases me.

* I am entirely aware that this will mean absolutely nothing to all but about twenty people in the whole world, but I feel it is a valid point and so I shall make it.

Tom: Finally, “Smells Like Teen Spirit” is tired and overplayed; everyone knows it, and there’s not even any mystery left in trying to work out the words that Kurt Cobain’s mumbling. But as hundreds of mashups have proved, it can fit with pretty much anything. Including the Jackson 5.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JNUTYHJrutw

Tom: Yes, it’s a novelty track, but I’m not complaining.

Tim: Made me smile, and overall is pleasant. The only annoying thing is those sudden pauses – I know they were in the Jackson 5 song, but they irritated me a bit. That said, I’m still feeling a little irritable after reviewing Ke$ha yesterday, and that may well have something to do with it.

Saturday Flashback: Didrik Solli-Tangen – My Heart Is Yours (7H Radio Remix)

It’s as if Dario G remixed Josh Groban.

Tim: Don’t know if you remember the Norwegian Eurovision entry, but it’s been remixed by those lovely people at 7th Heaven, and I believe you may enjoy it.

Tom: Your belief is CORRECT. It’s as if Dario G remixed Josh Groban, and added three key changes, and I thoroughly APPROVE.

Tim: Which is strange, because the original when he sang it sounded great on its own.

Tom: Two key changes though. I’m not complaining, but it does crank the melodrama up to 11. The later key change is telegraphed properly, as all overblown key changes should be, but earlier it’s almost like the guy on the keyboards hit the wrong chord, and everyone else was just “okay, we’ll go with that.”

Tinie Tempah – Written in the Stars

Tim Jeffries, ruining hip hop for other people since 2010!

Tom: I know it’s not the normal style of music we review, but the new single by Tinie Tempah is bloody amazing. It’s released on 27th September, and it’s called Written in the Stars – not to be confused with the old Elton John and Leanne Rimes track. There are three reasons why I like it:

  • Tinie Tempah actually shouts “let’s go” just before he starts.
  • The hook is lush. I don’t mean that in the slang sense, I mean that in the same way you’d describe a tree. It’s a genius bit of complicated, layered, melodramatic major-key pop genius with a synthesised string section behind it.
  • He namedrops Malorie Blackman, the young adult science fiction writer. I had to listen to that line again just to make sure I heard it right.

His earlier stuff seemed gimmicky, but this isn’t: it’s a full grown-up British rap track, and it deserves to go worldwide.

Tim: Good: the music. Perhaps even ‘very good’. The chorus is excellent, and while the rapping isn’t my thing I could happily have this on in the background. Eric Turner is definitely someone I may look into at some point in the future.

Bad: the lyrics. The second half of the first verse and the second verse seem to give a vague ‘look at me, I started low down, but I’ve worked my way up slowly but surely’ autobiographical idea, showing us he’s a good guy, he’s had stuff to work though; let’s think about him and feel for him. This would be great – it could even be slightly motivational for school kids who are feeling down on their luck. Except it can’t, because he starts out by more or less saying ‘look at me, I’m flipping awesome’, Flo Rida-style, which makes him seem like an arrogant prick and kind of destroys any desire I have to get to know him. I’m sure you’re not, Tinie – in fact, you’re probably the lovely guy we see in the rest of the song – but you’ve ruined it. Sorry.

Horrendous: one lyric in particular. ‘Was leaded astray’. I don’t care if it was to make some (not particularly apparent) point about a bad education or something: it’s awful, and no excuse will change that. You’ve had enough dodgy stresses elsewhere that ‘I was led astray’ would work just as well and not be massively annoying.

Like I said, I could more than happily have this on in the background. The music’s brilliant, and I can’t really fault it. If I have to listen to it and pay attention to it, though: sorry, but no.

Tom: Damn. Now you mention it, it’s like the spell is broken. That ‘brap brap’ in the first verse annoys the hell out of me, come to think of it, along with some of the dodgy stresses you mentioned. It’s a shame because the rest of it really is so good.

I tried hunting for other music by the same team, but the producer’s name is simply “Ishi” – which is ungooglable – and I really can’t find anything else about this particular Eric Turner online. That’s annoying because I want an album that sounds like this… only without Tinie Tempah.

Sorry, Tinie.

Tim: Hurrah! Tim Jeffries, ruining hip hop for other people since 2010!

Ke$ha – Take It Off

A textbook case of ‘Nice Video, Shame About the Song’.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ephTrdW1ls

Tom: This track out on Monday, and it’s been suggested by Gray, who writes:

My opinion of the song probably shouldn’t be brought up in polite conversation. I’m sure that’s somewhat self-explanatory. Though apparently she once vomited in Paris Hilton’s shoe closet, so there’s at least some redeeming value to her.

This is a textbook case of Nice Video, Shame About the Song. Full marks for the director here, if only for pointing out – in a fairly subtle form – that she’s blatantly ripping off the Sand Dance (or ‘that Egyptian standard snippet‘).

Tim: Certainly is quite a video, although I have at least one definite issue with it – given that most of it’s all metaphorical and probably arty and stuff, why is there a bloke throwing a bin when she sings about throwing bins around? The literalness just seems way out of place.

Actually, two – there’s nothing in the music to signify any reason at all why it should suddenly change from a standard walk/dance around video with normal people to one where everybody’s in a nightclub and made of paint. No change of key, rhythm, tone, lyrical mood, anything. So why does it? It’s as though they filmed half of it, then had a sudden realisation of ‘actually, this song really is shite, isn’t it? Hmm. Maybe we could try to make the rest of the video really awesome, and that’ll make up for it.’

Tom: To be fair, they’re not in a nightclub – they’re in a drained motel swimming pool. I’m not sure whether that reflects artistic choice, low budget, or a subtle dig at Kesha.

Tim: And a tiny third one – the first shot you see of her pulling whatever it is out of the car looks she’s suddenly grabbed an owl by the scruff of its neck, which is just plain nasty.

Tom: Clearly it’s hungover.

Tim: As for the music, well, as you say, it really is a shame. The verses are dire, with all twelve* lines in them going together to give the grand message: ‘let’s go get pissed.’ But of course, Ke$ha is special and well hip and famous and blingy, so she can’t do anything without a gold Trans-Am or, um, a water bottle she’s filled up with whiskey. Classy. Their only benefit is making the chorus seem almost hummable, although once you’ve heard it seven or eight times you don’t really have much of a choice.

Also, what’s with the fifteen seconds of Can You Feel It at 2:26?

*Twelve! I know! Crazy, how long these songs are!

Tom: Well, the rest of it’s ripped from the Sand Dance, she may as well take some other inspirations while she’s at it.

Tim: A final note: this song has inspired me to write a Definitive List of Music People I Hate. So far it contains Ke$ha, Flo Rida and Kanye West. I won’t deny that part of me wants to put Robyn on there as well, but I don’t think I can inflict that sort of company on her, no matter how inept she is at finishing a tune.

Ola – Overdrive

Just get on with it, numbnuts.

Tim: What we have here is a young bloke called Ola* whose appearance is rather spoiled by a peculiar reverse mullet. He got to the finals of Idol 2005 and (perhaps surprisingly) has been very successful, in Sweden at least, ever since, with all nine solo singles in the Top 5, and six of those going to number 1. Anyway, this song is off his third album, released today.

*To give him his full name, Ola Svensson, really, definitely not to be confused with the palindromically-named, slightly scary and entirely different singer Ola Salo.

Tim: I rather like it – it’s jumpy around, has a summery sort of ‘get up and go’ feel to it, which is nice if you’re feeling a bit lethargic. This is enhanced if you watch the video, in which he demonstrates how amazingly energetic he is by running a lot. And then being hit by a car, and carrying on running. And then smashing through a wall, and realising that that was a bit too much.

Tom: That’s a pleasant enough song, isn’t it? I’m glad it kicked in for the chorus, although – ironically given the video – it never really seemed to go anywhere after that. I have a feeling it’s one of those records that’s got to number one based on ‘existing fanbase’ rather than ‘wow that’s a great song’.

Tim: Its success might also be helped by the B-sides – it’s more of an EP than a single and the three tracks are varied enough for most people to have at least one that they like. One‘s an unusually enjoyable R&B style number, and the other‘s a fairly vigorous dance tune, although after a while it unfortunately succumbs to Robynness. What is it with that at the moment?

Tom: If I’m honest, I’m really hoping that – like Takeshi’s Castle – one of the tech crew substituted a wall that didn’t break away for an earlier take of that final shot.

Tim: Annoying: the multiple times they cut away just before he hits the wall, in a ‘will he stop in time?’ attempt to make it vaguely exciting. Of course he won’t. In this video, there is no way he can not go crashing through that wall. Just get on with it, numbnuts.

Tom: Also, I’m not sure I’d describe Ola Salo as ‘slightly scary’ after his rather fabulous performance at Eurovision 2007.

Tim: Hmm. That’ll teach me to judge by Wikipedia pictures alone. Mind you, I still wouldn’t want him as a babysitter.

Tom: To be fair, “full CRB check” isn’t generally a requirement for being a pop star. Although maybe they include that on boy band auditions now, just to be safe.

Gravitonas – Religious

With a decent remix or two, this song could be really good.

Tim: This video, released a few days ago but only just up on YouTube, is of the second single by the band Gravitonas, and if you think it sounds familiar you’d be entirely correct – half of the band comes direct from BWO, who took a break about six months ago, and each of them is currently doing their own thing. One’s of them’s done proper heavy rock, another has moved in the opposite direction, whilst Alexander Bard (the terrifyingly beardy one) has pretty much stayed exactly where he was, whilst picking up a friend or two.

Anyway, yes it’s familiar. The instruments and the vocal style are all the same, and the pre-chorus melody is lifted straight from Kings of Tomorrow, but that doesn’t mean it’s bad – like most of BWO’s stuff, it’s enjoyable, pleasant and entirely inoffensive. The only criticism I have is that while it’s got a fairly decent beat that grows throughout, for a song that’s about an enlightenment brought on by dance music (just go with it – it’s best not to think about it too much), that beat’s not nearly big enough. With a decent remix or two, though, this song could be really good.

Tom: The beat’s not big enough?! The beat’s bloody massive. I nearly had to turn down the bass on my headphones. It’s just it never quite kicks in properly. For me, there’s no big hands-in-the-air everybody-sing moment, which for a song about religious enlightenment (in whatever form) is a bit of a letdown. Yes, they’re trying for one when the final chorus kicks in, but the song’s melody is such that it’s hardly going to get everyone belting out the lyrics on the dance floor.

Also, “entirely inoffensive”?

I believe in the magic
Feel the heat of your skin
You can call me fanatic
I’m your soldier of sin

– is not exactly something I’d play to a priest.

Tim: You really think the beat’s huge? I just don’t think it builds up quite enough.

Tom: I’m not sure we have the same definition of ‘massive’. You’re absolutely right about the Kings of Tomorrow rip though.

Tim: The video starts off fairly weird, but soon progresses to disturbingly weird, and by the end of it I’m almost thinking KKK on acid, so probably the less said about that the better.

Example – Last Ones Standing

Oh man. This could be so good.

Tom: Oh man. This could be so good. The first few seconds show such promise – that eighties orchestra-hit sample is ace. And there are so many good things here. The quiet ‘ooh, ooh’s in the background. The chorus, which I caught myself tapping my foot along to on first listen.

Tim: Ooh, I do like that – intro started good, and it kept on going. At about 2:40, I thought it was about to wrap up; I’m very glad that it didn’t, though, because the bit after that is even better than what came before.

Tom: Pity about his voice, really.

Tim: I don’t know, I think his voice is okay – he can handle both the verses and chorus well enough, and combined with the backing track I think it works great.

Tom: Don’t get me wrong – I’m not ruling it out just because it’s rap, or just because it’s a British guy. Example’s last one, Kickstarts, was excellent all the way through, and his voice was a perfect match for it – perhaps because the faster pace of the vocals seemed to fit, or because the background samples were just that bit fuller. But it just doesn’t work for me here.

Tim: I prefer it to Kickstarts because here both the verses and chorus are good, whereas the verses in that never did much for me. It did have a pretty cool video, though.

Tom: This video’s not bad either. Despite a few too many modern things in the background to really sell it as being retro, it still has a charm to it.

Tim: A few points about it, though:

  • why is he ordering drinks in a police interview room?
  • I hope the fighting is meant to be blindingly fake, because it is, although there’s enough doubt there for it to be mildly annoying
  • nice explosion
  • nice jumping, even if it isn’t necessarily the most efficient way to chase after someone

Tom: The phrase ‘Tesco Value Zach Braff’ is also running through my head. That’s a bit cruel though.

Tim: That is a little bit cruel, yes. And a little bit justified.

Saturday Flashback: Scooter and Status Quo – Jump That Rock! (Whatever You Want)

Oh, a classic. I bought this when it came out. Is that something to be ashamed of?

Tim: Oh, a classic. I bought this when it came out. Is that something to be ashamed of?

Tom: I think you were probably just stunned by it all. I mean, this is Status Quo. Okay, I can see them allowing the sampling – but also turning up for the video, which is basically “Walk This Way” only featuring people without a septum?

Also, Scooter have been going for decades now. How on earth does their lead sing… er, lead talking guy… look like he’s still in his twenties?

Tim: This is Scooter – it’s only now you’re asking about some sort of supernatural weirdness?

Tom: Fair point. I do love how they got to number 1 in the UK – the new album came with a “bonus disc” which was basically a greatest hits compilation.

Tim: The strange thing about this is that until about thirty seconds before the end, it sounds like two different songs cut up together with no interaction.

Tom: I hadn’t noticed that! You’re exactly right. That explains the end of the video though – it’s only when the hammer slams through the wall that the two songs actually combine.

Tim: Some sort of depth from Scooter. This is officially very odd.