5 Seconds of Summer feat. Scott Mills – Hearts Upon Our Sleeve

“He’s very much The Third Wheel here.”

Tim: It has been noted in many, many places, including here and many radio stations, that the Pitbull/J-Lo official world cup song is, to be blunt, utter cack. So, went the idea, let’s rope in one of the biggest not-a-boyband boybands around and get them to write a decent one.

Tom: Let me guess: half-decent track ruined by the need to fit Scott Mills into it?

Tim: Well…

Tim: But a very decent track overall, with all the necessary woah-ohing, commentary(ish), crowd noises and rap that’d probably be better brushed under the carpet.

Tom: I always think that these Scott Mills songs, while decently produced, don’t quite overcome the inherent awkwardness involved in them. Let’s make sure Scott’s in the song somewhere even though he objectively makes the track worse. Let’s rope in anyone we can, even if they don’t know what’s going on.

Tim: Oi, what you saying about Tinie Tempah standing around gormlessly?

Tom: Scott’s certainly a competent DJ and radio host. It’s just that he’s very much The Third Wheel here.

Tim: Perhaps, but by and large it is a genuinely good track – not very ‘Brazil’, but definitely one that I’d rather listen to than, to be honest, any of the other football tracks we’ve had. And, with the cheeky self-referencing final chorus, the various goings on in the video and the number of times ‘shirts’ sounds like some other word–

Tom: Oh, damn it.

Tim: –I think we can safely describe this one as fun, much like yesterday. What a pleasant couple of days these have been.

Scott Mills & His Pigs in Blankets – The Perfect Christmas Single

“It’s a good pun.”

Tim: Tom, you may not like us featuring this.

Tom: You’re damn right.

Tim: You think it’s not a ‘proper song’*, it’s a radio feature, born purely of the realisation that there haven’t really been any enduring Christmas songs since the early 1990s (except possibly The Darkness’ one). So, the idea went, let’s make one. Let’s get guests in to talk about what it should be. Let’s imbue it with every single thing a Christmas song should have. And thus, it was made.

* Quite what qualifies as a proper song these days, though, is a lengthy discussion for another time.

Tom: And thus, it was crap.

Tom: …wait, that’s not actually that bad. What? Ah: it’s Frisky and Mannish who’ve written it. That makes sense.

Tim: Well, sort of – music by them, words by Scott and Chris and Beccy off his show. Anyway, the tricks: sleigh bells: yes. Church bells: yes. Appalling and brilliant pun: yes.

Tom: Yeah, I’ll give them that pun. It’s a good pun.

Tim: Smidgen of innuendo: yes. Nod to the fact that some people aren’t happy: yes. Snippets of conversation: yes.

Tom: No. That doesn’t help anything. I don’t care what the song is: it didn’t work for Gareth Gates and the Kumars, it doesn’t work anywhere.

Tim: You say that, but Mel & Kim’s version of Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree was about fifty per cent conversational, and that did alright. But still more: gentle key change: yes. Shouty bit from Noddy Holder: yes. And once you add in a piss-take of Band Aid 20’s rapping, I don’t think there’s anything missing. This is, much like the subject of the song, the perfect Christmas single. Textbook, to the letter. And lovely.

Tom: Look, it’s Christmas. I’ll try not to be too grumpy. Can I just say “it’s not as bad as I thought” and leave it at that?

Tim: I’ll take that. Merry Christmas, Tom.

Tom: Merry Christmas, Tim.