Tim: Tom, you may not like us featuring this.
Tom: You’re damn right.
Tim: You think it’s not a ‘proper song’*, it’s a radio feature, born purely of the realisation that there haven’t really been any enduring Christmas songs since the early 1990s (except possibly The Darkness’ one). So, the idea went, let’s make one. Let’s get guests in to talk about what it should be. Let’s imbue it with every single thing a Christmas song should have. And thus, it was made.
Tom: And thus, it was crap.
Tom: …wait, that’s not actually that bad. What? Ah: it’s Frisky and Mannish who’ve written it. That makes sense.
Tim: Well, sort of – music by them, words by Scott and Chris and Beccy off his show. Anyway, the tricks: sleigh bells: yes. Church bells: yes. Appalling and brilliant pun: yes.
Tom: Yeah, I’ll give them that pun. It’s a good pun.
Tim: Smidgen of innuendo: yes. Nod to the fact that some people aren’t happy: yes. Snippets of conversation: yes.
Tom: No. That doesn’t help anything. I don’t care what the song is: it didn’t work for Gareth Gates and the Kumars, it doesn’t work anywhere.
Tim: You say that, but Mel & Kim’s version of Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree was about fifty per cent conversational, and that did alright. But still more: gentle key change: yes. Shouty bit from Noddy Holder: yes. And once you add in a piss-take of Band Aid 20’s rapping, I don’t think there’s anything missing. This is, much like the subject of the song, the perfect Christmas single. Textbook, to the letter. And lovely.
Tom: Look, it’s Christmas. I’ll try not to be too grumpy. Can I just say “it’s not as bad as I thought” and leave it at that?
Tim: I’ll take that. Merry Christmas, Tom.
Tom: Merry Christmas, Tim.