One Direction – Kiss You

“Repeats this album’s message of LET’S HAVE SEX.”

Tim: One Direction seem to have a thing: decent pop song, crappy ballad, decent song, crappy ballad, repeat until we’ve just got the album tracks. Following on from a ballad so awful I’m not even going to utter its name —

Tom: I believe you referred to it as a “pile of bollocks”, which I corrected to the technically-accurate “sack of bollocks”.

Tim: — is this, which repeats this album’s message of LET’S HAVE SEX.

Tim: Before we get started, if that rubbish effortless lyric video hasn’t annoyed you enough already, go back to the middle eight and count the “na”s. Go on. I’ll wait.

Tom: Actually, I was about to mention that straight away. I swear the designer just did that to annoy pedants.

Tim: So, once again, we’re left with no doubts as to what’s on these guys’ minds: “If you don’t wanna take it slow, if you just wanna take me home, baby say ‘yeah, yeah, yeah'”. Nor is there much pretence of an emotional connection, with “I just wanna show you off to all of my friends”.

Tom: Also, whichever lyricist put “chinny chin chins” in there needs to be fired. Or shot. I know their audience is teenage girls, but surely not still young enough to care about nursery rhymes? That’s just wrong.

Tim: Perhaps, but who cares about their attitudes? They’re young guys, and they want some hot bedroom action. I’m just looking forward to their next album, which’ll presumably focus on the “Oh God, what disease have I got now?” stage of the horny young person’s life.

Tom: Surely some punk band’s done an album where all the songs are named after STIs?

Tim: Don’t know, but it would generate some interesting fan conversations: “So dude, what do you think of that new one, Chlamydia?” “Not bad – definitely better than Herpes, but I still don’t think they’ll improve on Genital Warts.”