Tom: I had an extended metaphor about how this single’s been leaking more than their fans, but I thought I’d probably just leave that punchline there and never mention it again.
So, we’ve mentioned in the past that bad charity singles shouldn’t be spared a mauling because they’re “for charity”. And let’s face it: this could be four minutes of One Direction belching into a microphone and the fans would still buy it. So given that low bar: is the Comic Relief single any good?
Tom: Well… it’s OK. It’s a competent if unnecessary Blondie cover, but it’s probably a good idea not to try unreliable original material on something that’s raising money for charity.
Tim: It is… exactly how I’d expect a One Direction cover of Blondie to sound. Still their usual sound, but a bit heavier on the guitars.
Tom: What gets me is the bizarre switch to Teenage Kicks half way through. I’m all for live mashups – I once saw Smash Up Derby live, and they were really very good – but just chucking in one line from it as a middle eight seems odd.
Tim: It’s odd, yes, but it livens it up a bit – decent as it is, and despite being less than three minutes long, I can imagine it starting to get a bit repetitive if that wasn’t there. The video is, obviously, your standard charity appeal song video – lots of shots in Africa, a “we’re saving money” message, and a woefully cringeworthy appearance from some politician.
Tom: To be fair, I did giggle at the first appearance – it’s the kind of understated cameo that works really well. And then he came back.
But never mind that: it’s probably the surest bet for number one since Elton John dusted off “Candle in the Wind”.
Tim: Well, I don’t really know what to say to that. But you’re not wrong.
Tim: One Direction seem to have a thing: decent pop song, crappy ballad, decent song, crappy ballad, repeat until we’ve just got the album tracks. Following on from a ballad so awful I’m not even going to utter its name —
Tom: I believe you referred to it as a “pile of bollocks”, which I corrected to the technically-accurate “sack of bollocks”.
Tim: — is this, which repeats this album’s message of LET’S HAVE SEX.
Tim: Before we get started, if that rubbish effortless lyric video hasn’t annoyed you enough already, go back to the middle eight and count the “na”s. Go on. I’ll wait.
Tom: Actually, I was about to mention that straight away. I swear the designer just did that to annoy pedants.
Tim: So, once again, we’re left with no doubts as to what’s on these guys’ minds: “If you don’t wanna take it slow, if you just wanna take me home, baby say ‘yeah, yeah, yeah'”. Nor is there much pretence of an emotional connection, with “I just wanna show you off to all of my friends”.
Tom: Also, whichever lyricist put “chinny chin chins” in there needs to be fired. Or shot. I know their audience is teenage girls, but surely not still young enough to care about nursery rhymes? That’s just wrong.
Tim: Perhaps, but who cares about their attitudes? They’re young guys, and they want some hot bedroom action. I’m just looking forward to their next album, which’ll presumably focus on the “Oh God, what disease have I got now?” stage of the horny young person’s life.
Tom: Surely some punk band’s done an album where all the songs are named after STIs?
Tim: Don’t know, but it would generate some interesting fan conversations: “So dude, what do you think of that new one, Chlamydia?” “Not bad – definitely better than Herpes, but I still don’t think they’ll improve on Genital Warts.”
Tim: Most songs are about love and romance and stuff, aren’t they? And to be honest, after a while it gets tedious. Now, we have a song entitled Live While We’re Young, which is presumably all about enjoying life.
Tom: Well, it depends. The song seems to change its meaning entirely, depending on whether you watch it with or without the video. “Live While We’re Young” certainly implies that it’s about enjoying life…
Tim: Right, and the video implies that as well. But just listen to the lyrics, and while we have indeed left behind the love and romance, but we’re now onto just plain sex.
There are hints throughout, what with “get together”, “I know we only met but let’s pretend it’s love,” and “Don’t let the pictures leave you phone.” And then there’s the big one, clarifying the matter once and for all: “Tonight let’s get some.”
Tom: Well, it’s all plausibly deniable. There’s certainly a lot of innuendo in there if you read it that way, but even ‘get some’ can technically have an innocent meaning.
Tim: Seriously? Because, come on, some what, precisely? Nothing, really, just some. In the sense of “Mate, did you leave the club with the hot one last night?” “Oh yeah, and boy did I get some.”
Part of me wants to think it’s a series of double entendres and all that, and that while it is about sex they’re trying to dress it up as young innocent kids actually having fun, like the title implies. But they’re really not – it’s not remotely subtle. This is One Direction stating they’re not the innocent people all the teenage girls and caring mothers thought they were. No. They’re five blokes in their late teens with libidos the size of Canada.
Tom: Without the video, I entirely agree with you. With the video, I can’t help feeling that we’re got cataclysmic levels of homoerotic tension going on here. Waking up in a large tent (who has a sofa in a tent?) with four other attractive young men, piling onto each other, and having a splash-fight? That’s basically Top Gun.
Tim: True, I suppose, and it’s a good video, passing on the live while we’re young message. You’re right – it’s like there are two completely different songs, one as a soundtrack to the video and one whose lyrics would sound appropriate on a Flo Rida single.
Tom: It’s a fairly canny marketing move: there are no girls in the video for their female fans to be jealous about, and the gay men are just as catered for.
Tim: Anyway, let’s move on from the meaning, and talk about the music. It’s catchy as hell. Backing is as it should be, even if it does get off to a slightly dodgy start that gave me a ‘hang on, what’s happening here?” feeling. I particularly like the guitar riff in the middle eight, and the chanting in the background towards the end. It’s all just great.
Tom: Of course it is. With this much money behind them, they’ve got their choice of every pop songwriter. If there’s a dud single from them, something’s gone very wrong.
It’s like they’ve re-released What Makes You Beautiful.
Tim: Let’s be honest – Gonna Be You was a bit disappointing, all ballady and stuff. This, less so.
Tom: Just before we discuss the song: What are One Direction’s stylists thinking? One seems to be a proto-Jake Thackray impersonator; the rest are all in fancy shirts and suits, but… well, they look like they’re wearing their dads’ outfits. It may have worked for the stars of Inception; I’m not sure it works for them.
Tim: Well, maybe, but if we’re being honest, most of the vast number of normally-clothes-obessed teenage girls who make up their fans couldn’t care less about what they’re wearing; in fact, they’d probably be very happy if they weren’t wearing anything other than a pair of swimming shorts.
Tom: That said, I buy my t-shirts in bulk online, and I’ve worn the same hoodie for about a decade now, so what do I know?
Tim: Well, enough of the sartorial chit-chat, onto the music. And my word, it’s like they’ve re-released What Makes You Beautiful. Let’s make a list:
First verse and bridge split up and sung by different members as soloists? Check.
Second verse sung as a series of rotating duets? Check.
Middle eight consisting of a fair amount of clapping? Check.
And then drawing to a close with one of them gently singing the first half of the chorus? Check.
Final section with Zayn doing a little bit of harmonising above the others? Check.
Finish the song by cutting off most off the instrumentation while they sing the end of the chorus? Check.
Tom: They know what their fans like. Or, at least, their songwriters do.
Tim: The exact same three songwriters, would you believe it.
Tom: Well, yes, I would believe it.
Tim: Fair enough. But it doesn’t stop there. Let’s take a look at the video:
Driving round in a large vehicle for a good portion of the video? Check.
Lots of group hugging and laughing to show that they’re all mates in real life as well? Check.
Occasional shot of Niall clutching a guitar to give the impressions they’re actual musicians? Check.
Tim: I listened to this 32 times in the first 24 hours I had this on my computer, so I have a lot to say.
Tom: Right, then I’ll get out the way and let you say it.
Tim: First, let’s have a game of Dynamic Typeface Bingo.
Tom: Catchy song. So what’ve you got to say about it? I can smell a list approaching.
Tim: Ah, what excellent olfactory senses you have. Item one: Few would deny that out of the three acts so far* from X Factor 2010, these are by far the most likely to succeed. They have the looks, youth and personality of an above-average boyband, they have songs written by songwriters of good and excellent vintage, and if this is anything to go by the music overall is very very good.
Tom: Now that’s a bold claim, given Cher Lloyd’s at number one now, but I reckon you’re right in terms of long-term success.
Tim: Cher Lloyd’s fans genuinely and unironically call themselves ‘brats’. If she wins, this country has actually died and gone to hell. So anyway, item two: The standard test of a boyband’s song: could it easily be performed by a soloist, or is there enough there to justify five of them? Well, I reckon this just about passes – there’s the ‘nobody else’ in the second chorus, and there’s a decent amount of messing around towards the end. And speaking of towards the end, my favourite bit is the sneeze-and-you-miss-it bit after the bridge where whichever one of them it is in the background goes higher for the ‘you light up my world’. I don’t know if it would have been better if more/all of them had done that (though it almost definitely would).
Tom: He does, and I wish I knew what that musical technique was called. It’s an easy way to get an emotional lift – and it works very well here.
Tim: Item three: The meaning and target of this song. I think that to understand this in all its true depth it’s easiest to become somewhat misogynistic, so apologies in advance. Let’s start rating girls, out of ten for tradition’s sake.* One through six – they’re a no-no. Eight and above – yes please. Seven, though, is borderline, and this is where it depends on the self-awareness of the target. (At no other point, please note, does her personality enter the equation.) As long as she reckons she’s a minger, let’s go with her, because she won’t know she’s out of my league. THIS is the girl to whom the song is sung, and everyone else can move along and listen to other music.
* I met a guy once who rated girls on a scale of ‘necessary number of pints’. I’ll let you judge him.
Tom: Seven is borderline? Clearly we work on different calibrations. Either that, or your scale’s logarithmic.
Tim: Fair enough, we’ll have it your way. One through seven’s a no-no, and eight’ll be borderline. But we should be careful not to take the misogyny thing too far.
Tom: That… that’s not what I… oh, never mind.
Tim: Item four.
Tom: Oh boy.
Tim: ITEM FOUR. The above leads us on to a slight logical fallacy, because there is one group of girls not mentioned: the sevens—sorry, eights—that know they’re fit. ISSUE. As soon as they know it, they’re not, at which point they can’t possibly know it because it’s not true. But now they have become beautiful, and so they do know it, and we’re back to where we started. How to correct this: change ‘you don’t know’ to ‘you don’t think’, and everything will be fine. As such, I have e-mailed Syco to request that this happen in all future live performances of the song. (Really, I have.)
Tom: Let me know if you get a reply. I find that while large companies tend to ignore emails, actual letters still get at least a perfunctory response.
Tim: There’s a potential item five that’s in somewhat dodgy territory, based on the fact that the only implication that they’re singing to a female is the ‘don’t need make-up’ line; they could alternatively be singing to a gay guy who feels he’s had to turn to transvestism to hook up with anyone. Since they’re all still impressionable teenagers, though, we’ll leave that for now.
Tom: Yes, let’s.
Tim: So actual item five: This song is absolutely bloody fantastic. If you disagree, then you’ve got it wrong; to prove I’m right, I’ll put it in a song.
Tom: And I’m sure any of our readers who made it this far would love to hear it.
